If I got the chance
to turn back the clock and redo everything since I first realized I liked him,
I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d do everything differently and hope that
maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this. I didn’t take the chances when I
had them. But I guess it might be because, it was so hard for me to come to
terms with the fact that I had feelings for him. Also my feelings kept growing
and growing for him (unlike anybody else) and that scared me to death. Mainly because
I knew he was a senior and he’d be leaving to college soon and I didn’t want to
set myself up to be hurt in the end. Instead I decided to deny it, deny him,
deny my feelings, and most of all I denied my heart; so much that I kept
pushing him and my feelings away. I now realized I was a cold-hearted monster
unlike my usual self. What I realized to be one of the worst things in this
situation, is how I was so focused on avoiding my feelings that I let the time
we had left pass me by. I guess I was so scared of putting my guard down and letting
anyone into my heart because of the fear of getting hurt. In the moments around
him I don’t know what would happen, but I would just shut down and distance
myself from him. I wish I could explain what I was feeling and how or why I
shut down completely but, unfortunately, I don’t know the answer myself. when I was finally ready to let my guard down
and really change things, it was already too late. I hate that I didn’t give
him a chance to really get to know me and I didn’t give myself the chance to
get to know him and become closer to him the way I hoped. It’s as if something
was holding me back and I cannot figure out what it was! I wish I could explain
the heartache and anxiety I still get whenever I think about the time I wasted.
Going back to school the next year and passing by all the places I used to see
him and know he won’t be there led to a lot of regret and disappointment. If I
had to choose one moment that I could take back, it would be the last one we
had before his graduation. I regret not telling him how I truly felt, how much
I was going to miss him, how happy I was that I met him, how wonderful and
smart he is, how he is capable of anything and that he is going to get so far
in life and so much more; but no, all I managed to say in that last moment was
“bye” and gave him a cold hearted hug that had no emotion in it what so ever.
What’s worse is I couldn’t even look him in the eye. And what kills me the most
is that when I had let go, he was still holding on! Every time I think of that
moment my heart shatters into a thousand pieces all over again.
It is so crazy how
something so little can mean the absolute world to someone. Every small
compliment, every hug, every smile, and every wave that I’m sure meant nothing
to him meant the world to me. Every single time something stupid happened like
when he’d wave at me it would just make my day and I’d be so happy just from
ONE, little wave! Yeah I know, pathetic. I could fill like 20 pages full of
small amazing moments that meant everything to me (but that would just take
forever). One thing I am going to really miss though, is how he made me feel
every time I looked at him. Nothing like anything I’ve ever felt before. I’ve
never liked someone as much as I’ve liked him. Nobody has ever made me feel the
way he does! Although I am left here, exactly where I knew I’d end up and was
afraid of feeling; I am so glad that I met him and got the privilege of knowing
him the way I did (even though it wasn’t much). I also learned a lot from this
experience. I learned that it is ok to step out of your comfort zone and to
tell people how you truly feel and to take every chance and opportunity you get
before it is too late. He will always have a special place in my heart. I just hope that one day I could have the courage to look into
his gorgeous green eyes and tell him all of this myself!
33 comments:
Ohhh ha this really got me in the heart, This is the best piece i have ever read and tbh its accurate to me. Great piece once again great job.
Ashley Garcia
per.4
OMG JOELLE!!!! the memories are coming back! I still remember the days that we would sit outside of class and talk about "said person" before we would go inside lol! I hope that if you learn anything from this experience, it is that you are so amazing and anyone would be lucky to meet a person as wonderful as you (including that boy)! Never be afraid of rejection, because anyone that doesn't see your worth is simply blind and doesn't deserve your attention anyways. You are beautiful inside and out Joelle!!
I'm really in love with this Joelle. Like I love how its so personal that it not only connects with a lot of people but it connects with me. I'm kinda stubborn, and always have my guard up, I also never let anyone in, and I fell like this lesson on the experience that you had can really help me. (On a side note you were in love with him, ya so what he was gonna leave sooner or later but he made you happy, and that's all that's important.)
Your entry makes me want to cry. I would love to say it's because I'm going through (or have gone through) exactly what you described but it not. I'm going to confess to something through this comment that I didn't plan on telling anyone about, because as much as I don't care I'd rather not deal with the weird looks and the insults and repetitive questions but I'm going to. Just recently I've entered into a 3-person relationship, meaning, I am dating two people at once and they are dating myself and each other as well. One of which I have known a lot longer than the other which worried her to an almost hopeless extent. We almost lost her because of it. Now I'm not a very emotional person so when the three of us are talking, the other two are crying because of all the emotions going on inside of them and I'm sitting there being the strong one because I know if I cry too, we won't fix anything. She told us that because of those worries, which made sense but were pointless, she didn't know if she could be in the relationship. I was broken. I didn't know what to do. Our boyfriend was crying, she started crying and all I could think is "I can't lose her." Those two are one of the bests things that has ever happened to me and they make me so happy that I can't and won't lose her no matter how hard or how long I fight for her.
Anyway, now I'm rambling, but my point is, even if for a split second, I've felt that brokenness and I know how much it hurts and I am so sorry you had to feel it, and for so long. I am very happy that you learned from it though. And I'm very proud of you m, and I admire that you would share such a type of story with so many people (whether you know them or not).
Wow, amazing entry! The fact that this actually happened to you and was not made up makes your story even better! Your experience gave us all such wonderful advice! I really liked the amount of detail you put into sharing that experience with us! Great job!
You know what I appreciate and love most about you JoJo B? Is that you can pour every fiber of your being into something & make everyone feel what you feel. With that, regardless of any situation, it becomes a learning experience & I'm glad that you were able to find a positive or two from it all.
Joelle, what can I say, this was a beautiful heart-warming well written piece that I really enjoyed. First of all I would like to thank you for sharing something very personal to you. I think many of us who read this piece can say, "I can definitely relate to this." We tend to overthink about these situations and end up regretting it, because we gave away a chance that could have possibly become something; and you mention about this in your piece that was well descripted and conveyed of what I mean. I guess we can also say things happen for a reason, and this was a learning experience that we can all learn from! Overall great job Joelle and I really loved this piece! I hope you know you are not alone!
-Brenda Do
P.3
I loved the way you spoke with your heart and didn't use big and academic words to describe this story. When I was reading it, it felt like I was talking to you in person and it felt real and you were speaking with true emotions. This was so heart-warming and it is a lesson that can be shared with a lot of high school relationships. Good work Joelle! Proud of you :)
-Arianna Serna
Pd. 3
Hey Joelle!
I could feel the emotions that probably went through your head when you wrote this blog entry. I, myself, know that you tend to regret those moments when you’re cold hearted to a person, but can’t take it back because that person is gone. Just wanted you to remember that each encounter with a person is special whether it be with just conversing with a person or just waving to each other. So, I could relate to that. Anyway, I loved how you just poured your emotion into this piece and I felt like it gave me some memories of some times when I would act the same way. But, it’s hard to be able to turn back the clock and apologize to that person; so, I suggest that you just keep living life until maybe, (just maybe) there might be a chance where you could see this person again and tell Mr. Greeneyes what you truly felt when you last saw him. So great job, Joelle!
-Kimberly Chua
period 2
Joelle!! I can totally agree with you on this, its extremely hard to admit your feelings towards someone. However its extremely freeing letting them know! I know that our future is ahead of us, but this is the point in our life where we can take risks and learn from them. I know Ive'd learned! Remember Mama Ariel is always here for you if you need to chat !
Period 3
I love this story. I've felt this way about someone before so I completely understand. But I never told him my feelings and he never told me his until two days ago from today. Now I live in California of course but he lives in Vegas where we spent a lot of time together after school. He is always going to have a place in my heart just as you and "green eyes." I wish you the best of luck. I hope you two reconnect and you tell him exactly how you feel. In my opinion, you should let him know how you feel. Nice job and best wishes. (:
-Period 4
Joelle, this is amazing. You took something that you experienced and turned it into something we all can relate to. I noticed in the comments that there weren't that many male students commenting on this story. Maybe at first glance your piece looks over romanticized, but what I see is a connection between two people which means more than it looks on the outside. You give us this internal view of what goes on in this connection and that's something people don't understand or see. When I first read this, I kept trying to think back to a time where a person made me feel the way that you did at some point. At first I was trying to think back to my crush I had, but it wasn't it and when I kept on reading, I started thinking about my great-grandma. Everything I did with her meant the whole world to me, but as young as I was, I didn't understand the concept of time and how at some point in time she was going to leave me for good. When you mentioned how you would walk by places and knew you wouldn't be able to see "him", it was something that I still do whenever I go someplace that kept reminding me of her. This piece is overall beautiful, because it comes from the heart, and not just a full puzzled pieced heart, but a heart with a missing piece. You show how we should leap at those moments because love is about those moments and the missed chances we have to share with someone we care about. Good luck Joelle.
JOELLEEEEEE loves this. Man i think at one point everyone has had these thoughts and emotions to. I really liked how you so effortlessly poured out your heart and emotions into this piece it definitely made this unique. But knowing the situation, there will be a time and you will be able to have the chance to express how you really do genuinely feel. Much Love!
Allyson Bol
Period 2
JOELLE! I know how you feel! It took me a while to realize that taking a chance and losing something is better than being on the sideline and experience nothing. I completely understand how you feel about the situation. It's truly amazing how one person can have such an affect on another person, but some how they can still make us feel terrible. Truly enjoyed reading your blog entry as I can relate to your experience!
I LOVE THIS! First off, your piece is very personal and thank you for sharing it with us. This is also very easy for a lot of us to relate to. I like how you were brave enough to show us your emotions. This just made me think back to the times when I was very hesitant and doubted myself. Thanks for writing this! I really enjoyed reading it.
-Noelle M
Period 2
Wow. This story was so heartwarming. I felt like there was so much thought put into this story. Many people can relate to this and look back on how they doubted themselves, wanting to turn back the time. Overall, you did a great job. This is one of my favorite pieces on this blog.
-Valarie Ly
Period 1
JOELLE!!! This piece is so good and you can see how much you cared about this person through the way you describe how he made you feel. After all of our convos while attempting to understand the mystery of statistics I've come to realize just how very similar we are so i know exactly what you mean and although in the past you hadn't been able to open up to him, I'm sure life will grant you more opportunities to show these emotions and finally feel at peace with these feelings. You know where i am if you want to talk :)
Leslie Rocha
Per.2
The emotional power and well descripted diction behind this literary work grasped my heart and reignited the experiences, the reflections of my past that shadow everything you have experienced. No words I can type or say can do justice to the pain felt in your heart, the constant anxietic thoughts rushing through to what if? Yet doubt like this will only ruin us, turning the greatest of us to the dark side. Although it is hard, it takes will and a sense of confidence to put ourselves out there, no matter what happens. Listen to your heart, for that it will always be inside of you, a curse that allows us to soar and plummet at a moments notice. Inspiring.
i loved how this piece seemed to come right from your heart. It was incredibly emotional and descriptive of what it is like to experience something along those same lines.
Your title is what caught my eye, and let me tell you this piece was incredibly deep and i could just feel the emotion coming out of each word. I feel like your story relates to many people and im happy you poured your heart out on your blog. Beautiful job.
-Legend Holman p.3
truly an amazing story I love the details added into it about what little things got you so happy and filled with love!!!! I loved it
~julianna Alvarado period 1
Joelle, this is probably one of the most relatable blog entries I have read. I think I can speak on behalf of the majority of teenagers when I say that we have all went through a situation similar to this one. And, like you, a lot of us were unable to open up about our feelings because we did not want to let ourselves be vulnerable. Also, like you, I hope that one day I will be able to share my feelings and be honest with both the one who has caught my eye as well as myself.
Natalia Garcia
Period 2
I applaud you for your complete truthfulness and bravery in sharing your story. Like so many said before, your piece is relatable to many of our lives. I think your piece encourages so many of us to say what we are feeling now before time runs out. Thank you for your amazing piece.
Emily Gonzalez
per. 2
Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. Thank you for pouring your heart out and writing this beautiful piece. It was honestly really wonderful to read. I especially love how candid you were with your emotions and your thoughts. You gave the readers the ability to see how much he meant to you, while allowing us to relate to this with our own experiences. This is such a bittersweet piece and I loved it so much. You did a really good job!
Fiona Cheung
Period 3
First of all, thanks for sharing something that is so personal to you.
I thought this was a relatable and thought provoking piece. I could feel your regret, sadness, excitement, and confusion, and it got me thinking of when I lost the opportunities to say or do something for someone I cared about. Thanks for sharing this bittersweet piece that allowed us to really feel and connect with your emotions!
This is one of the saddest and cutest writings I've ever seen before. You have really expressed your feelings in this writing. I feel and understand what you going through because the way you describe it makes it feel like I'm in that same situtation. This is such a great piece.
-Calaya A.
Period 1
Thank you for sharing something so personal, you really got me thinking. Well first of, great piece I truly enjoyed it. I love the reality you put into it. I can really relate to what you mean and i have gained a better understanding of what i had felt.
Great job Joelle! This was an absolutely beautiful piece. The way you described your crush and how he made you feel captured the entire audience and had them really feeling what you felt and still feel to this day. Thanks for the great read yo!
Antonio Barron P: 3
Very brave of you to open up about something so important to you. This piece is very well written and really pulls in the reader. I can relate to this piece because my girlfriend is a junior and she doesn't like the idea of me not being at school. Thank you again for sharing your life.
This is a perfect blog entry for us high-schoolers because it is so relatable. Furthermore, you really let your emotions show in this piece and I have to say I admire you for reaching so deep into your heart to pull all this out. That takes some serious guts and it's totally healthy to do so.
Taylor Sandoval
p.5
Joelle I loved this so much you truly wrote from the heart and it caught my attention instantly. The way you described your feelings was completely relatable and this is something I enjoyed reading.
Alexa Ayala
Per:2
This is so good. I really love how you made this story so easy to relate to. It really makes you realize that time is forever going and that it won't stop. I really enjoyed reading your piece because it made me feel like I was there.
Kayla Weathers
PD.5
Joey, I truly loved this piece! The fact that there was so much evident emotion and thought put into this piece makes it so much more relatable. Great job.
-Kelene H.
P.5
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