I still remember the day she came and laid on my bed. She
laid down and for a moment I paused... I looked at her and could see the glare
of her eyes. She is beautiful. Her hair is spread out across my pillow, its
color blended in with the night. I approach the bed slowly. Carefully stepping
over a pair of cleats I got last season. Each step is heavy... but I finally
lye myself down and sink into the pillow alongside her. I can feel her hair on
the back of my head. It is dark. We can only see the head lights of passing
cars reflect through my window onto my ceiling. I can’t see her face but I can
feel it through the pillow. Through the darkness I look at her and say
"****, do you lo..." Before I can finish she says "always, *****".
It’s quiet now. A line of light runs across the ceiling as
we hear the sound of another car pass by. I gaze at her in that moment of
light... then I see her smile. Everything felt slow. My body began to grow
stiff and soon I became immobile. She comes closer and lays her head on my
chest. It begins to move up and down higher each breath. She laughs and says
"don't take such deep breaths" but it was not my breathing that
lifted my chest.... It was my heart. It was beating slowly but powerfully.
She is asleep now. To savor the moment, I pretended to fall
asleep as well. I mean...how could I sleep? Such a moment I was in...Would I ever
have this experience again? Her head begins to weigh me down. Her earring
presses deep and molds a mark of a sunflower on my chest. Her breath is warm.
She mumbles "ugh" in her sleep. She reaches out and pulls my arm over
her...as I begin to brush my fingers through her hair. I then tell her a story
about a boy who met a girl and their journey up until that point. I know she is
asleep but maybe...maybe my voice will soothe her. Moments later she wakes up.
She shakes me to see if I am awake but I continue to pretend. She then tells me
a story but pauses...."Do you love me?" she asks. I wait a moment to
respond. "To the moon and back". Silently she replies
"okay..." She then hugs me tightly, pressing her cheek against mine
and whispers "Wake up....You're sleeping"
My eyes frantically open to the sight of the same fan I
have owned since 4th grade. I turn to my side only to see nothing but my phone
charging on the pillow. The time ironically reads 23:40 pm. I had truly believed
she was there but much like the previous nights she wasn't...and once
again....it was time to "wake up".
Dang man, you're playing with my emotions. The tone of this piece is was stood out to me, the love you have for this girl revealed itself in the piece. I love the metaphors and imagery you described; the setting was made to be simple, but the event was supposed to be significant. Then ending was perfect, as the shift of tone shows how heartbroken you are, and how heartbroken I am after reading this.
ReplyDelete-Samar Elshekh P.3
This story was beautiful Christian. You can really tell by the feelings you put into this that this is something special to you. I really enjoyed every aspect of this story, the loving tone, the super detailed imagery, and the way you connected with the reader. I got a warm, fuzzy feeling when I read this and then my heart broke at the end. I usually don't feel this way from something unless I truly connect with it so good job. I really loved how you wrote this, it flowed beautifully and kept me reading on til the end with almost no effort.
ReplyDelete-Annika Joshi p.5
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very well written and designed very well. The metaphors and imagery that you put into the story were very intricate. Again, very well written. Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteThis story was very well written and designed very well. The metaphors and imagery that you put into the story were very intricate. Again, very well written. Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteThis story really makes you feel. The way he interacts and worships her really brings a smile to my face because of how much they really do love each other. The ending really got to me. Its sad to imagine loving someone who you cant have for any reason.
ReplyDeleteMy feelings were molded and shaped, then slightly crushed into a fine powder. It's like I can feel the emotion and tension of the characters. The way you advanced on the actions and interactions, only to find it take a 180 degree turn was really well put together. I'll be honest here, you kind of played me. I so desperately wanted to be in the character's shoes, to maybe ponder on the "what if" this were me theory and when I did that, I felt it really hard at the end. You did a really great job with this, and I'm somewhat pleased and unpleased that you DID do a good job on this, but I'm sure my feelings could manage. :) Overall, beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this piece because the imagery felt very realistic. The sad ending was really unexpected which is great because I'm personally a big fan of plot twists. This story was very well written and you did a great job Christian!
ReplyDeleteYou used very detailed descriptions in your story that really make the reader feel like your there. You used proper sentence structure which also helped your story. I really enjoyed how you made the story a dream. I loved that I could visualize the story throughout the whole time I read this. It really felt like a relatable subject, maybe something that a lot of people have been through. I really enjoyed reading this. I also enjoyed how although it was short, it had a lot of value to it and was straight to the point. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this story. You did a really great job with this story. I love how in the end it ended up being just a dream, it was a really unexpected twist. Awesome job Christian!
ReplyDeleteJC Bagro
Period 3
wow! That was very well written. The detailed imagery made me feel as though I was right there with you! Overall I feel that you have a talent of writing with your emotions (which is very hard to master)and taking the audience on the journey with you. The irony at the end of the story completed the piece as a whole and brought to life the teenage boy character you were trying to portray. I enjoyed reading this! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI started cracking up at the end when I found out it was a dream in the beginning I thought that it was real but I guess not it was all a dream.
ReplyDelete- Eric Edwards
This was a splendid emotional story. I hope this hasn't happen to you. I like how you express your feelings into this story. Many people will agree that this is a amazing story keep on the good work.
ReplyDeleteThis story is so good. The imagery was great and i was able to imagine it very well. The ending surprised me a lot. It was kind of sad to find out it was all a dream, but it was still wonderfully written.
ReplyDelete- Valarie Ly
- Period 1
wow this story was soooooo good!!! I am absolutely speechless! you did a wonderful job and I really enjoyed this story. you have a talent for writing and loved all the detail and effort put into this piece!!! ~julianna Alvarado English period 1
ReplyDeleteWow that was not what I was expecting but it was amazing!!!!! I really loved he love they shared but i could feel how heart broken he was at the end.
ReplyDelete~Madison Behee
Per.1
At the beginning I thought that it was a ghost and then I read on. But the sad part is that he woke up alone in his room. But it was a really good story.
ReplyDeleteMIKAYLA SEALS
Per/ 4
This story was agonizing for my heart/emotions since I thought this was a nice story. Instead you proved to the readers that things can seem real, but they never are. You're heart/brain is trying to make you feel happier. Great job on making this story ,and also a great job on the imagery. This made me feel like I was the person in the bed. :/
ReplyDeleteThis story was so great, you could honestly make a book out of it if you wanted to. I liked how you lead us to like a plot twist in the end. Keep writing (:
ReplyDeleteWow Christian I know you've been telling us about this story for at least the past month, but you've truly done an excellent job with this piece. You're an excellent storyteller and I love your use of imagery with the little things, like the sunflower earrings, the cleats, and the seven year old fan. I was hooked from beginning to end, good job!
ReplyDeleteTaylor Sandoval
Cogswell p.5
Amazing Story! The lost but never forgotten "dream girl". The story was very intriguing and the imagery created and kept my attention throughout the entire story. The plot twist at the end tied it all up to be a truly impressive piece! Nice job!
ReplyDelete-Dulce Congo p.2
Hey Christian! First of all, this was such as great read! I really enjoyed your usage of imagery and also how it made it seem like I was physically there. The theme of waking up was pretty cool because the main character not only had to physically wake up, but to also wake up from this dream girl and continue life. I believe that everyone never really forgets that one person in their dreams and that this can impact someone greatly as it did in the short story. Anyway, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteKimberly Chua
Period 2
This story was amazing. You had me on my toes the whole time oh my gosh! Good job. Truly was a great piece.
ReplyDeleteI was honestly so caught off guard by how your story ended and also quite disappointed that it had such a sad ending, I was so rooting towards that lovey dovey happy ending, but honestly the ending only added to the surrealness in your story. I loved all the little details you incorporated within your story as well which made me feel as if I could truly see what was going on. Your piece was effortlessly laid out and was really good.
ReplyDeleteCogswell Period 5
Alicia Alcaraz
It is definitely better than the first rendition I loved it. It sounds much more like an innocent teenager who lost his love.
ReplyDeleteVery well written. Ever since last year beginning with your 'Why I Write' essay, everything you've written is always sad in the most beautiful of ways and I always look forward to reading and/or hearing your pieces.
I love sad stories, especially ones with tragic love endings. This is a great peiece. Your details of the girls and her silhouette at night really enhances the credibility of the story. The narrator's feelings are very genuine as well. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was really amazing, and what really caught my attention throughout the story was the way you described this girl and what she was doing. The imagery made me feel as if i was really watching this. Really you did a great job.
ReplyDeleteLegend Holman p.3
I loved how much detail you put into the story. You made her seem so real and that the moment you both were sharing was so real. Your imagery skills are most definitely on point and it really shows through the story and when you talk about the girl as well. Great job with this story, I really fell in love with it.
ReplyDeleteI liked the way you put so much detail into this fantastic story.If i had a dream like that i would never want to wake up again.This story was by far the best story i have ever read in the November category.
ReplyDeleteMarco Garcia-Ordaz per.4
This is a truly heartfelt story. Its interesting to see other people's perspective on real life experiences and situations. The use of description really captures the emotion of the reader. Great story!
ReplyDeletepd. 5
Hunter Fierro