"My Biggest Fear" by Annika J.

 

       I wake up on another regular Wednesday morning at 6 AM to start to get ready for work. The sun has just risen as I head to the bathroom. I stand and look at myself in the mirror. My breath fogs up the mirror and I take a closer look just to ensure that it is in fact myself looking back at me. But I can't recognize the person staring back. All that is left of me has withered away. What’s the point of it all? All my life I've been directed down a certain path. A path that has already been set up for me. A path that everyone must follow in order to be successful. As soon as I was old enough to understand, they started telling me “You've got to get all A's in school! Be a part of every club and organization so you can be different from everyone else." Set yourself apart and be different so you can go to college and get a nine to five job like everyone else. Spend your time and youth constructing an amazing story to tell about yourself so a stranger can one day read it and determine your future.

    After high school, they moved on to the next thing I had to do. "You've got to go to an amazing college! Without that degree from a top ranking university, you are completely worthless in society!” But not a degree in just anything. My talent and enjoyment in cooking or art meant nothing because it was difficult to be successful in. It meant taking a risk that wasn't worth my time or energy. My happiness wasn't worth the time or energy. It wasn't the "smart" decision. So I did what they told me. I went to that top ranking college and majored in a "safe" major. I worked hard and did as I was instructed all my life so I could be just like everyone else. I was told to follow my dreams all throughout my childhood but then to forget about them as I grew older because "they weren't practical." I was told that someone smart like me should get a stable job so they could support themselves and eventually a family. Forget about the cost of it because I would supposedly be able to pay it off once I had that job. Now after eight years of school, having a degree in a field I dread, I am left to sink in debt without a life jacket.

    When I went about this path I didn't understand what I was in for. Little did I realize that once I had the job everyone seems to envy, that I would hate it. All of the passion I had was sucked out of my soul once I saw the light at the end of this tunnel we call the "real world." My dreams left to die and my eagerness to learn soiled by pounds upon tons of work. The system doesn't want passionate, creative people. It wants robots that can continue to create millions just like myself. The system has no feelings. No remorse. No heart or sympathy. So take a step back. What is our purpose in this vast universe? Do we even matter in the large scheme of things?  We don't. We are all just a tiny morsel in the vast expanse of time. So why torture yourself? Why forget the things that make you happy? Don't do things for other people or to make money. Do something that will help you lead a happy life. Don't give up that talent or skill that makes you proud. Don't be me. Spend time with your family. Go to that movie with that friend you haven't talked to in years.  Do what makes you happy because when your life comes to a close that is what you'll remember. The happy moments.

    These thoughts run through my head every morning as I begin to get ready for another day. The feeling of knowing exactly what is wrong with my life and not having the power to fix it eats at me every single day. I try to think of solutions or ways to try to make my life mine once again but I can never seem to get myself to do it. I don't know how much longer I could keep this up. Just going through the motions, not knowing who I even am anymore. But alas, this is my life and now I must go to work.