Pages

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

"The Drive" by Aubrianne M



 “Bye!!” I call out as I walk away from the house I’ve known by heart since Kindergarten, when we moved to the strange town with the quiet houses. “Finally,” I think to myself as I fall into my car, making sure all of my suitcases aren’t going to fall as I drive. College, the first taste of freedom in my adult life; four hours away: close but not too close. Perfect. Ever since I saw my acceptance letter, I’ve been counting the days until I move into my dorm, start my classes, and essentially begin the rest of my life.
After I see that my parents have waved a sufficient amount of times and my father has come and checked my luggage placement an excessive amount of times, I’m finally out and on the way to my future. My parents didn’t let me leave a second earlier than humanly possible to get there “on time” (the middle of the night) at least allowing me to go alone.
My headlights shine on the neighborhood sign with all of the trees that I’ve sat on practically since I could jump up and slide my butt onto the top of it. The tree everyone used to lay under after middle school. “I’ll really miss this,” I sigh as I turn on the radio to help me endure my coffee-powered drive ahead of me. At least at this time of night in this sleepy town, there’s nothing else out here except the diamond-filled sky.
As I’m about to enter the freeway entrance, something catches my eye. A girl, couldn’t be more than my age, ghostly skin and a huge brown ponytail with bangs engulfing her thin face. She looked up at me and started waving her arms desperately; she really needed someone. If something happened to me, I’d want someone to come help me. She’s a teenage girl, incredibly fragile-looking; she shouldn’t be out here. I pull over to her.
“OhMyGoshThankYouSoMuchMyBoyfriendLeftMeAndIHaveNoCarPleasePleaseIJustNeedARide!!” She’s practically hysterical, and she really looks like she’s been through it tonight. I let her in, meanwhile her flinging her arms around me crying “thank you!” I guess she had a way older boyfriend who left her for someone with a way larger bank account than this seemingly penniless teenager, and her parents hated him, so she was far too scared to call them. She started wandering after he dumped her at a nearby diner over to here. As fate would have it, she really needed me. She gave me an address probably an hour away from my college destination: an aunt who was always accepting of her. “Thank you so much; I needed someone.”
After that we drove in silence for probably half an hour before I ran in to a gas station store for even more coffee and sugary soda to stop my “I’ve been up for like 20 hours packing and I’m exhausted” mind daze. I handed the cash to the man at the counter and stretched my arms out as I walked back to my car. As I got closer, I saw a small, white, rectangular light illuminated from the dark car window: an iPhone. Wait, if she had a phone, why didn’t she just call someone? My phone gets service over where she was. Huh, there’s also a small, glow-in-the-dark star sticker on the back of the case I see as I get closer. “How did you get my phone?!” I say incredulously as I open the driver side door.
“I heard it ringing; it was some random number.”
“Then why are you still in it? Wait. I have a passcode.”
“I figured you were a ’97 kid too; you know, your birth year isn’t exactly a top secret code.” I grabbed the phone back. I guess she was one of those “anything I can find is mine” types of people. Oh well. Still somewhat annoyed at her lack of respect of privacy, I drove from the gas station in silence. I could feel her eyes looking over at me expectantly every ten or so minutes, as if I’d just change moods in a split seconds. After another half an hour or so, I caved. “Okay, I’m over the whole phone thing, I get you didn’t mean to upset me.”
“Thank you so much; I’m so sorry Hailee”  
“Wait, did I ever tell you my name?”
“Uh… No... Sorry, that probably seemed weird. I saw it on the text from your mom that popped up as I unlocked your phone.”
“Oh uh okay.”
The next of the drive passed in silence, as she almost seemed embarrassed on the events of the last hour, but I felt bad for her: she never meant any harm.
“Are you going to college?
“Yeah; I’m going out of state next week. All the way up to Washington.”
“That sounds great.”
I guess the phone situation had made things awkward because after that she didn’t make any attempts to talk to me. I soon pulled up to the address she gave me. This girl shared in my drive to my new home with me and I didn’t even know her name.
As if she could read my mind: “my name is April just by the way.”
I soon got to my dorm and saw a small box sitting halfway under one of the beds. I got curious so I looked inside of it. There were pictures of me with friends, my favorite tee shirt, and my diary. “Home,” I breathed. I’m so glad my mom sent these, I guess she did get ahold of my friend that’s going here. Maybe she’s my roommate. Finally, everything’s falling into place.
I heard a voice in the hallway and peered to see if the face was familiar. I saw a huge brown ponytail, a childlike voice. “Oh no.”
It turns out I’m right.
“Hi, I’m April. I just know we’re going to be great friends. I already feel like I’ve known you forever.”

33 comments:

  1. Great piece/story .I think this was very well written. One of the best suspense stories for October.
    -Ashley Garcia
    per.4

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not going to lie: I fell into that "It's Halloween So All These Posts Are Halloween-Related" mentality and while your title did seem alluring, in the sense that it had that suspense-inducing feel to it, I'm glad you were able to make me laugh a bit -- even if that wasn't your goal. Two characters definitely makes the piece much more interesting, in that it brings much more emphasis to the dialogue. And let me just say that it was interesting to see that twist at the end as well, which was the part that made me chuckle a bit. The fact that your lovely Hailee character finds herself finally free and rid of her parents' shackles, finally away from an eerie town, only to find herself picking a random girl up, realizing she's annoying and eccentric, then dorming with the same girl...That's what I call a twist. Not much surprises me, but, in truth, that did. If only it was a play or horror movie...A comedic one. I would rave most definitely. Think about it.

    But, I digress. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aw I really enjoyed this story it was super interesting and a great piece overall! It was very imaginative and creative as heck great job! :-) I loved the plot twist at the end! I hope that we get to hear a part 2!
    -Abby Elvis
    Period 3

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is really amazing, I love the suspense and the goosebumps that developed while reading this. The plot twist at the end made the story even better! Great job!
    -Emily French
    Period 5

    ReplyDelete
  5. When I started reading this, I kind of thought it would be an autobiography or biography...so I read on with interest. Then, you had to bring up college and I inwardly groaned because you reminded me college apps were almost due!! It scared me that you were already writing about going to college, but then again, "it is the one and only Aubrianne". XD Overall, the story was great and I definitely did not see that plot twist coming ahead, I just assumed the girl would be a ghost or something supernatural of the sort! Anyways, I also really liked the subtle comedy scattered about everywhere! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Samantha QuintanillaOctober 27, 2015 at 2:27 PM

    This was good! i was expecting scary and weird, like the girl was gonna end up being a ghost and something crazy happens to Hailee, ya know? but in all honestly i love the fact that it didn't go that way, it was literally just some awkward teenage girl who needed a ride. I liked the style and it was easy to read while keeping my attention. The little twist at the end was good too, just enough surprises and quirks were in the story that made it really fun to read, thanks for writing!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is really amazing, I love the suspense and the goosebumps that developed while reading this. The plot twist at the end made the story even better! Great job!
    -Emily French
    Period 5

    ReplyDelete
  8. This was suuuuuch a cute story, with an unexpected turn at almost every turn. Honestly, with the ghostly paleness and the gas station stops, I was expecting some horror, but I was pleasantly surprised by how wrong I was. I did think it was funny though how the really horro was being stuck dorming with some strange, intrusive girl. Cute story it was fun reading!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I had no idea what to expect in the beginning of this story, it could have been a horror for all I guessed. The thing that kept me intrigued was the mystery to it. How this story was only a snippet of this girl's life and started at one of the biggest transitions she will ever have. Your descriptive imagery you used to describe the girl april set the mood of the story to come off as eerie and mystical. Then as April begins going through Hailee's phone the story transitions to comical instead of seriously creepy. Absolutely love it, this piece has much potential to be even more developed and furthered in its plot. Great job.

    Jordyn France
    Per 3
    Cogswell

    ReplyDelete
  10. This story was great! I had to keep myself from laughing out loud at April's quirkiness and Hailee's obvious irritation. Even though you wrote April out to be a free-spirited girl who doesn't know the definition of boundaries, I found myself loving her character. The ending definitely had a nice turn of events. I wish there was more to read so I could see how Hailee and April's first year of college play out.
    Great job!
    Natalia Garcia
    Period 2

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love this story. It was cute how April was kind of annoying Hailee. I wasn't sure if this story was supposed to be scary, but it was still very good. I liked how you wrote how Hailee had a feeling April was going to be her roommate. That was mostly why i liked this story.

    -Valarie Ly
    period 1

    ReplyDelete
  12. Good job Aubrianne! You did really awesome with the suspense in the piece. I loved how it started off very casual then proceeded with a creepy vibe of how April knew all this stuff about Hailee which really fits with October. I really enjoyed it and was completely surprised with the ending. Again I'm truly a fan!
    -Alexis Carmona
    Period 5

    ReplyDelete
  13. Aubrianne! you wrote this piece excellent and i thought april was a creep from knowing all this information on hailee. great job !!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Aubrianne! you wrote this piece excellent and i thought april was a creep from knowing all this information on hailee. great job !!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Aubrianne! I really enjoyed this short story! I liked how this story was suspenseful and focused on moving to college and also the unexpected turn of events that life gives you. I really enjoyed how that girl, April, appeared as Hailee’s roommate and how she was pretty mysterious. I also enjoyed the subtle humor that you put throughout this story. Good job!

    Kimberly Chua
    Period 2

    ReplyDelete
  16. This story was so suspenseful!! I'm not sure what I expected but I was still surprised in the end. I really like how you wrote the story in first person perspective because it allowed me to visualize everything better (and also put a nice emphasis on just how creepy April is). I enjoyed the imagery you used to describe Hailee driving through the neighborhood and her memories associated with the trees and streets. Describing April as "ghostly" was a really nice touch because that immediately warned me about the direction the character was going in. You did a really good job, Aubrianne!

    Fiona Cheung
    Period 3

    ReplyDelete
  17. Great Story! I loved the way you did the inner thoughts of the main character, many times when writing people make the character seem very forced but this character seemed very genuine she didnt jump to conclusions, she pointed out things she thought was strange, she seemed real. I really liked the twist at the end it answered several of the things that the character herself didnt know about; why was she there so late, how did she know my name, how did she know my phone code? I love it when authors allow all the pieces to fall into place and give just enough information for the reader to piece together an ending and i thought you did a great job at that.
    -Marvin Virola
    P5

    ReplyDelete
  18. I really enjoyed your story. I liked the unexpected plot twist you incorporated at the end of your piece. You had good detail within your story but if you included more detail it would have been significantly better. Nevertheless, you did a good job on your piece.
    - Deborah Fraire
    Period 1

    ReplyDelete
  19. Great story Aubrianne! I loved how the ending was so unexpected. After reading the beginning I thought that the story was going to be a "I'm starting a new chapter of my life" type of story, but I'm glad that it wasn't. I liked your description of the two characters and I enjoyed the dialoged between the two. After reading, I felt that you could have made some of the details a little clearer, but overall I loved your story.
    - Emily Gonzalez
    P2

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice story! I really like the body of the story and how ts made with the stanzas and different characters participating in the story as much as the narrator. Awesome!

      Ricky Martin
      Period 4

      Delete
  20. I was intrigued by the title of your story because it couldn't meant so many things. I liked how it started off very steady then as it progressed it became more suspenseful. I did feel like in the ending things were all happening one after another, I think you could've put some more detail into the ending. However, I did enjoy reading your story, Great job!
    Vanessa Alfaro
    Cogswell
    P2

    ReplyDelete
  21. This story was very well written. I was expecting something very different from the first couple of sentences like a "OMG college!!" type story then the girl came with the phone and i was expecting murder or something but it ended as sort of neutral so it was basically a roller coaster for me. You really had the readers guessing until the very last second on this one! Great job!
    -Antonio Barron P: 3

    ReplyDelete
  22. I really like the suspense of this story and the incorporation of the dialogue between the character because it really adds to the tone and feel of the story. Great job!
    -Noah Andrus Period 5

    ReplyDelete
  23. Aubri this story was really interesting to me and it easily caught my attention with the college bound road trip idea and my immediate thought was that it would be about a journey into adulthood but then Hailee pulled over. I wasn't too sure how the story was gonna go once April got in the car which made me more curious to keep reading. I really liked the phone part because it added to April's character and gave us more insight into what she was like, which turned out to be a pretty annoying girl lol. In the end i expected some really creepy thing where April would attack Hailee because of the whole Halloween season and whatnot but i was happily surprised. The end was a good twist that i never expected and i think you expressed Hailee's emotions of irritation when seeing her new roommate was April very well. Overall a great story Aubs!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I really enjoyed this piece because I was expecting a more spooking tale. While reading it, I was expecting April to be some ghost or something. I also loved how you made the ending ironic by having Haliee dorm with the same girl she picked up randomly on the street. Nevertheless, this was a great piece and I enjoyed it!
    Joseph Jacinto
    Period 5

    ReplyDelete
  25. I enjoyed this piece very much for it's relatability. With it's college-bound plot and characters quite similar to at least one person we know, the story was intriguing and possibly insightful to our own future experience.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This was a great story i was scared when she stopped for the girl i thought she was like a ghost or something but all in all is was really good.
    Madison Behee
    Per.1

    ReplyDelete
  27. Aubrianne and her brilliance. Great piece. I thought this was just some ghost story but.. I was wrong. I guess this story can give us a message. Anything can happen to us, no matter how bizarre or coincidental it may seem nothing is inevitable.

    Paul Chong
    Period 2

    ReplyDelete
  28. It caught me right when she saw the other girl out in the street, for me personally foreshadowed some freaky stuff was going to happen; but the way you described the encounter was great because it evoked creepiness and uncomfortable superstitions.

    ReplyDelete
  29. It caught me right when she saw the other girl out in the street, for me personally foreshadowed some freaky stuff was going to happen; but the way you described the encounter was great because it evoked creepiness and uncomfortable superstitions.

    ReplyDelete
  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

  31. This story is insane. I don't think I like late-night drives anymore and I'm never going to go camping, but anyways this April character seems like she's crazy insane. She seems like she wants people to think she's nice and with that I don't like her I love how she comes in the end and ends up not remembering the main character. I want to know what happens next. I'm in Ms. Cogswell's fourth period. Talk to me when you make a part two.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I honestly thought that that this was going to be a creepy, scary story where the hitchhiker kills her, and I was glad that it was nothing close to that. The twist at the ending was very unexpected, but I thought it was really funny that she said, “I already feel like I’ve known you forever.” I also loved the style of writing as it made the dialogue feel like a real conversation.
    Darian Henry
    Period 2

    ReplyDelete

Remember, make your comment positive, supportive, and specific to the piece you're commenting on. No anonymous comments! :)