Pages

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

"Renegade" by Andrew T


Outside, the world was a cold, harsh environment. Scattered along the streets were waste, broken shards of glass, scraps of rusted metals, ashes. Ashes, the remains of the last execution. The result of scattered along the streets were waste, broken shards of glass, scraps of rusted metals, ashes. Ashes, the remains of the last execution. The result of defiance against an imperial guard. I could remember the cries and last prayers of the victim before her wiped her dirt­covered face and with her remaining dignity, placed her head against the block. Chop​.​The crowd was silent as the red seeps and spreads of the platform’s boards. Across from me, an old woman presents a blank expression while if one notices, the sparkle running down her cheek, a tear of despair, loss,…mourning.

Walking to the yard I begin to work, gathering the potatoes from the ground. Pulling up crop after crop in the bone chilling weather. Next to me, I find a middle aged man, with skinny legs and arms from malnourishment. In his condition, the superior has not given him his wages. I could see why. The man’s body is starved and barren of energy that he is not able to reach his quota and therefore receives no money to pay for his meals. I pity him. The grey hair that blows in the chilly breeze from his face cover a wrinkled, dark face both calm yet disheartening. Before the day ends, two guards walk through the fields and take the feeble man away.

In the middle of the day as the clock strikes, the workers all gather in the city square. The guards shout and as everyone remains silent, everyone is forced to bow as the anthem of the empire is played on the old PA speakers they have wired all over the streets and buildings. On this district of the city, the slums, all the workers must gather to honor the emperor and the imperial family. As the music plays throughout the entire square, all I hear are the heavy breathing of hundreds of people, tired, hungry,…miserable.

As the sun rises the next day, I wake to find my older brother motioning me to the doorway of our home: a shack among others which bordered the plantations. On the road, several people, young and old, poor and miserable gather as a group becomes a crowd and eventually the crowd becomes a mass. Several hold knives, shotguns, handguns, and flags of the resistance. Red and blue for freedom and democracy. My family rushes out to join them and as I am handed a flag to wave and march with, I watch as a day passes and the streets that were once filled with debris and waste were now flowing with the blood of the tyrants. As monuments are knocked over, palaces are stormed, and those who once oppressed us were eliminated in cold blood, I looked to the flag waving in the wind: the revolution had just begun.

41 comments:

  1. You wrote an amazing piece! I loved the detail and the imagery you used. I felt as if I was next to the main character. I also enjoyed the Hunger Game/ Divergent feel you gave off. Good Job!
    Mariah Rhodes
    Period 6

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great story Andrew! the last paragraph made me feel like I was in the crowd watching the revolt I love the gradual amplification of the story it starts off with vivd imagery of a depressing, suffering environment from a first person perspective but then gradually elevates to an array feeling of hope for the oppressed. You give great detail of what the lifestyle is like by describing facial expression and scenery with the debris and the anthem playing on an old PA through the narrators observation. The last paragraph is my favorite it sounds like the resistances are winning and are on the verge to freedom.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my goodness I love this story because it reminds me of the freedom we have here and how much we take for granted.Our ancestors fought for our country and this reminds me to be greatful for what I have. This brought me back to the place of remembering our freedom. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I really enjoyed this story. It was like hunger games meets the revolutionary war. I think you used some good imagery and I really felt like I could see your story. Great job.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very great story, used a lot of imagery and just very detailed. It was like the Hunger Games and Divergent. Good Job!
    -Vymian San

    ReplyDelete
  6. This piece was amazing!! I loved the beginning how you described the night and how it made it seem as if I were there. The imagery you used was amazing and fit the tory just right. This story kind of reminded me of the hunger games. I enjoyed this and would like to read more from you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Andrew, loved your work! I find it amazing that people are able to create such vivid worlds with such interesting concepts in such a short amount of work, which is exactly what you did. What some people take entire books to develop, you developed in this blog entry. For me, it was the desolate imagery and shift in tone from hopelessness to hope were what really make the story so engaging to read. Amazing job!

    Isabelle Huynh
    Per.1

    ReplyDelete
  8. it was a sad day it was a execution the ashes resemble the sadness of what was going on
    -Adrian Jones
    Per.6

    ReplyDelete
  9. Andrew, you have done an amazing job! I really liked how you used a lot of imagery to create this dystopian world. I want to know what happens next. Great job and keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Andrew, you did really good in this story and I loved it especially the end and it also showed good imagery and it had a lot of detail in the story. I Also like how it was like the hunger games meeting revolutionary war. Good Job!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is a very well written piece. I really enjoyed your use of imagery and details in order to describe the setting. The imagery is so vivid, which causes the situation to be more real. You were able to create an atmosphere of despair and poverty through the speaker's anecdotes. It was a very good piece, it seems like it could be a prologue to a dystopian novel.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This was a very good story, it used a lot of imagery and had a lot of details. Good job!
    - Jacob Menjivar
    period 6

    ReplyDelete
  13. This story was very well written. Even though it is a short story, this had a great deal of imagery an detail that we can relate to other stories that are about resistance.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This story was very well written. Even though it is a short story, this had a great deal of imagery an detail that we can relate to other stories that are about resistance.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Your story was well-written and very descriptive. I love the imagery it contained.
    Jobelle Dauz
    Period 2

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow! Great detail i love the imagery that it had! good job!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Even though it’s a short story, you had so much detail and imagery and left me wanting to know more and what happens next, Amazing job.
    -sara arredondo
    period 1

    ReplyDelete
  18. That piece was amazing the imagery and detail you put into it was astounding. Good job !

    ReplyDelete
  19. The imagery in this piece was really great and stellar. There was so much detail, it felt like I was almost there.
    -Melvin Sanchez
    Period 6

    ReplyDelete
  20. WOW i loved how much detail and imagery you put! Keep on writing!

    imalla ramirez
    period 6

    ReplyDelete
  21. This story really drags you into the story and you can almost feel as if you are actually there. Great detail

    ReplyDelete
  22. You're extensive use of imagery allows the reader to be immersed in the revolution that is taking place. It is quite exciting and a great setup for a longer story. Well done
    Andy Reinschmidt Period 5

    ReplyDelete
  23. Christian Black
    Period 1

    Wow Andrew this story was really good. It had so much imagery and the syntax and diction was great. It sort of reminded me of another Hunger Games or Divergent. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Andrew, you used a lot of imagery in this poem. The use of vivid imagery created a strong impact on me as a reader because the scenes were very descriptive. I definitely think this is something you would write because it shows a strong connection to communism and how it affected people. It was definitely well written with a clear purpose in mind.

    ReplyDelete
  25. The words you so carefully chose beautifully delivered precise connotation to make the reader connect with the story on a deeper level. "Mourning," "feeble," and "revolution" all allow me to praise your hard work because of the impact they leave on the reader. A masterful piece woven with emotion and imagery. I truly enjoyed this. Great work.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This was a good story that used a lot of details. It had great imagery in it as well. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  27. you went into so much detail it sounded really good also u went into alot of imagery which was on point great job

    period6
    oscar rodriguez

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hey Andrew! Wow. Great piece. I feel like if anyone were to be able to write anything like this and produce a situation as real as this one it would be you aha. You had such great imagery and I believe the way you were able to transition each of the paragraphs to each other was so effective because it allowed the plot to gradually lead to the revolution mentioned in the end. The way you portrayed the speaker's surrounding was very good. I did see some oddities in the way you structured your sentences, but your plot execution overall was pretty great. Good Job!
    Ellamae Armado
    P 1

    ReplyDelete
  29. The use of imagery was great , I liked the end as well made me feel as though I was in the audience as well. I was fasinated in the dystopian society that you created as well. Good job

    ReplyDelete
  30. Andrew,
    Your story is amazing! I’m going out on a limb here, but “Viva la France!” Putting that aside, I liked your extensive use of imagery highlighting tyranny and suffering from the guillotine to working in the fields to facing malnourishment.
    -Gian Velasquez

    ReplyDelete
  31. Fam this is a really good story. I cannot help but feel you've drawn a little inspiration from the Bolshevik Revolution. Good job man! The imagery gave me a sense that i was apart of the revolution too.

    ReplyDelete
  32. This story was amazing! I loved the way you used imagery and detail to pull me into the story and kept me in suspense. I also enjoyed your use of diction and structure to further intensify the story's mood.
    -Nate Shepard P.1

    ReplyDelete
  33. You incorporated a ton of imagery into your piece of work that allowed to actually picture everything in my mind very easily. I liked how this is very relatable to stories that are about resistance like the Hunger Games and Divergent. A great story indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  34. You incorporated a ton of imagery into your piece of work that allowed to actually picture everything in my mind very easily. I liked how this is very relatable to stories that are about resistance like the Hunger Games and Divergent. A great story indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Andrew, you did a very great job in constructing this piece! By using first person, I truly felt as if I was there during that time, I also enjoyed how you built up the tension and transition from living a daily life to war. Overall, great job!
    Tedman Nguyen
    Period: 1

    ReplyDelete
  36. Your sense of detail is very well developed; it really adds to the complexities of your writing. Its obvious to see yourself in your pieces. However, I very much enjoyed the whole concept of a developing revolutionary citizenry. With the blatant tyrannical setting, it really foreshadows the onslaught of anarchy. Fantastic job.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Such a great story I really enjoyed how much effort you put into using detail. It made the story that much more great! I was able to picture the charters and the scenery in my head.
    Kaleha Spencer
    Period: 4

    ReplyDelete
  38. Your story is amazing! Your use of imagery and literary devices gives the reader a sense that they are seeing the story in their mind. Great job! -Sophia Rivas

    ReplyDelete
  39. This story reminded me of the Hunger Games! There was lots of details and imagery in this work. Great Job!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I really enjoyed the amount of detail that you put into the story. I like how you described what they were trying to accomplish and I kept wanting to read more. Great Job!
    Alyssa Anastasi

    ReplyDelete
  41. I really enjoyed the amount of detail that you put into the story. I like how you described what they were trying to accomplish and I kept wanting to read more. Great Job!
    Alyssa Anastasi

    ReplyDelete

Remember, make your comment positive, supportive, and specific to the piece you're commenting on. No anonymous comments! :)