“The Unforgotten Doll” By Briana W

Crayola crayons, white construction paper, and pipe cleaner, I knew I had everything to make the perfect paper doll. The task was to create a paper doll version of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I can still remember the instant excitement and anticipation that ran through my body when I was assigned this project during my kindergarten year. I knew exactly what I wanted to create my paper doll as, a doctor.

 When the time came to share our assigned project in class, I could not wait to show off my master piece. My teacher decided to hang each of our paper dolls from the ceiling. As I looked up at the ceiling I saw a multitude of paper dolls with various occupations. I saw firefighters with red uniforms, police officers that had star shaped badges, and nurses with stethoscopes. But as I continued to look around, I started to feel less excited and proud of my paper doll. Blind to the creative aspects I previously saw, the flaws of my doll started to become more apparent. My dolls eyes were crooked, the hair looked like scribbles, and the stethoscope seemed disfigured. But as I looked longer something else became apparent… my doll was the only doll with brown skin. Even as a young, naïve girl something about seeing the sight of that brown doctor made me feel uncertain about her greatness and I didn’t know why.

This feeling of uncertainty was reinforced even as I got older. In band, I had trouble with a marching technique called a jazz run. No matter how much I tried to practice this technique I could never quite master it. I began to doubt my ability to march, and my director did too. He became frustrated with my struggle to jazz run and asked me, “Do you have a brain?” Although I replied yes, I knew regardless of my response that I was still uncertain; uncertain of myself, my intelligence, and my abilities.

These five simple words started to taunt me not only internally, but also externally. As a young African American and Panamanian female, I was worried about others looking down on me because of my ethnicity. Being constantly exposed to the negative stereotypes, I had internalized the notion that people of color were not as smart or capable of achieving success. It wasn’t until I became a Pomona College Academy for Youth Success (PAYS) program scholar that this uncertainty changed into confidence.

 PAYS is a program that expands academic opportunities for groups traditionally underrepresented in higher education. Unlike the world where the capability of minority groups is questioned, the PAYS program is a community where our strengths overpower our weaknesses, helping us realize we have the capability to achieve anything we set our minds to. Being given the opportunity to take college level courses and participate in a research group, little by little, I started to thrive off my courage in myself. I started to realize that what makes me different is what can make me a leader in society.

 My inspiration to be a leader is what motivates me to pursue a major in biology. As a biologist, it would be my dream to make the term sickness nonexistent. I would want to use my skills and knowledge that I acquire from this major as a way to find breakthroughs and cures to diseases and illnesses; such as cancer and HIV. Despite the fact society challenges my abilities; I will defy expectations to prove that I do have a brain and a purpose in the world. Now when I see my doll I no longer view her curls and brown skin as imperfections, but as aspects that perfectly represent the leader that I know I am bound to become.