"Untitled" by Seohyun J

November 26, 2013

The week college applications are due.

Approximately 7:25pm

Dinnertime

Dining table

“You’re so selfish,” my father declared as he looked directly at me while I immediately looked down at my dinner to avoid any eye contact, “After all we’ve done for you, why can’t you do this one single thing for your parents?”

I was taken aback from what my father just told me.

I started to hurt on the inside.

What my father had told me lingered in my thoughts, and what he said repeated itself like a broken record player until my he sighed and continued on with what he had to say, “Why won’t you apply for that college?”

“I don’t want to apply for that college.” I replied.

The thing was I had already finished applying for the colleges I was interested in at the time and submitted my applications towards the beginning of the month so that I could be in a somewhat stress free situation for the remainder of my first semester of senior year.

Plus, I believe that if you choose a major, you can benefit from any college that you attend since it’s all up to you to make good use of your major to benefit in life by getting into an occupation that would make you happy.

In unison, both of my parents, my mother being on the couch of the living room a couple steps away from the dining room, exclaimed, “WHY WOULDN’T YOU WANT TO?!” Their tone was bitter and harsh as if my decision was wrong, almost as if it was a sin. Thus, I replied in a nonchalant tone, “Because I don’t want to. Why should I? It’s a waste of money if I don’t even want to go to that college.”

I’m pretty sure they wanted a better answer than that..

I tensed up as I heard my mother’s “rage” breathing, it’s a thing where she takes intense breaths of air. It’s a mixture of her sounding like she’s having a stroke or having trouble breathing, it’s one of the scariest things I hear in my life and it started when my older brother applied for colleges. I used to judge my brother for being careless and not respecting our parent’s wants to apply for specific colleges. However, he went around to applying to the colleges our parents wanted him to go to.

It’s my turn now.

Great.

“Don’t worry about the money,” my mother said, “and just apply for the college because you never know if you will get in!” I couldn’t differentiate whether or not she told me this to get my hopes up or to make her feel better.

Yet, I knew. We all knew deep inside. I knew I won’t be able to get into the college my parents ever-so-wonderfully dreams of me attending in the future. It reflects from the grades and scores I received all throughout high school. If I did get in, that would have be a miracle. Miracles only come once in a lifetime, though. I don’t want my miracle to be this, especially the way I’m being treated for it.

So I stressed what I said next, “I don’t want to. Why does it matter so much that I apply for that college? I’m happy with the places I applied for, aren’t you guys?”

Did I mention the word stressed?

Yeah, it seems to be that my stressing of what I had to say to my parents stressed my mother out to a whole other level.

Lovely.

My mother began to yell at me out of frustration that things weren’t going the way she intended my responses to be, “THERE IS A SET CLASS DIFFERENCE. THE COLLEGE WE WANT YOU TO APPLY FOR IS TEN TIMES BETTER THAN ALL OF THE COLLEGES YOU APPLIED FOR ADDED TOGETHER!”

My father added, observing how the situation has taken route, “Do you like seeing us like this? What’s the real reason that’s holding you back?”

That’s when the tears started rolling down.

He wanted me to say it.

He wanted me to confirm it.

I was a failure to them as a daughter.

At that moment, we all stayed silent for a minute.

I had a flashback of a memory.

I’m the type of child who’s extremely clingy towards her parents.

I always ask my mother, “Mum, do you love me?”

And she would always respond, “Yes, of course.”

Then I would ask, “How much do you love me?”

Then she would reply back, “The distance from Earth to the heavens would equal the amount of love I have for you.”

Once college application season came along, I continued to ask her what I always asked her. But at the end of her last reply, I asked her more questions.