Inspired by
a true story.
It was a hot summer morning when
friends hood rat Daniah, carefree Cherry, happy-go-lucky Misha, and J Dallas began
their hike to Sapphire Falls. However, their excitement died down when the hike
became sketchy because for almost two hours, all they saw was the same cliff on
the left and rocky hills to the right. J Dallas mentioned that they go back as they
didn’t seem to be on the right path. However, the girls were determined to finish
what they had started. Luckily, a group of experienced hikers crossed their
paths, and thus decided to follow them.
After hiking
through a rocky stream, they reached the top of the falls. Surrounded by the graffiti
art and the waterfall, the scene was absolutely breathtaking. Wanting to go
down the rocky waterslide, Daniah, Cherry and Misha made their way to the side
of the waterfall, while J Dallas stayed behind with all their stuff. They
grabbed on the rope and slowly pulled themselves through the water to reach the
waterslide. The trio became slightly nervous as it was more dangerous than they
had thought. However, the three “yolo’d” and just went for it. They slid down,
to the ice-cold natural pool at the bottom.
However, as Misha swam to the ledge,
she felt a sharp pain through her fingers. She then knew something went wrong
and won’t be able to climb up to the cliff they came from. Trying to figure out
how they’re to communicate with J Dallas, much time had passed. They tried
screaming his name but the cliff was too high. So they told the people climbing
back, to just tell him of the situation, and they would just meet him back in
the car.
As they began their trip back, Daniah,
Misha and Cherry reveled on the beauty of their surroundings. Still elated by
the experience, the trio “stripped” themselves of all their worries and savored
the solitude of each other’s company. They pondered on the great things they’ve
been blessed with and to put it simply, they were having the time of their
life.
Meanwhile, there was J Dallas. Separated
from his friends, everything took a turn for the worse…literally. He was lost.
He had gone on the wrong path and was now deep in the forest, with no one to be
found. Then just as he was retracing his steps, a snake decides on accompanying
him. Slowly making its way towards him, J Dallas grabbed a stick and began battling
the cold-blooded creature. Struggling, he was able to stab and kill it. He then
rushes off and searches for the right way back.
After a few hours of luxuriating in
nature, or in J Dallas’ case, fighting for his life, they found themselves back
to where they had parked. Relieved of their reconciliation, they began their
drive back to civilization and acknowledged the wonderful blessing that had just
been bestowed upon them. It was a blessing they’ll forever remember.
This story had a lot of character. I loved the part when they "yolo'd" its definitely a term that will never get old! The way it was used reminds me of my friends and I. I also giggled when you described Dania, Cherry, Misha, and J Dallas. It was very straight-foward and descriptive, like I knew how the characters were immediately and how they would go about the story.
ReplyDelete-Leia S
period 6
I really enjoy stories that are really discriptive.This story definatley caught my eye on the details I read in the story!Great story! -Alexis Chiong per6
ReplyDeleteMichelle, this story had me cracking up. I could just picture Daniah and Cherry scaling the waterfall like pros. Your crazy sense of humor made Jonathon's encounter with the snake seem like a life or death situation. Thanks for making me smile. The next time you guys go hiking, I'm in.
ReplyDelete-Christina Tapia
Your use of vivid and detailed imagery was so descriptive I literally watched as this entire story unfolded in my head. It was as if I was reminiscing on an old memory..if ya know what I mean ;) Your writing style had me on my toes, the suspense was very high and I could not wait to read and read to see what would be the fate of these characters in the end. The contrasting descriptions of the experiences of the three female characters with the male character was very interesting to me because although the setting (Sapphire falls) remained constant, the characters had drastically different experiences. I was torn between my emotions, I felt at ease and joyful at the description of the three girls having the time of their lives amid the beautiful nature, however at the same time worried what would become of poor J Dallas. I never even knew it was possible to experience two radically different emotions at the same time, this just demonstrates the genius of your writing technique. This was a very fascinating and enjoyable read. If had only five words to describe this piece I would choose "1.a 2.breath 3.of 4.fresh 5.air". This piece should be published so the masses can enjoy the genius of this piece as well. Good Job CUH..I mean Michelle! hehe :)
ReplyDelete-Danieh Abu Alrub
Michelle, your quirky story warmed my heart. I especially enjoy the battle against the snake. J Dallas was incredibly brave while stabbing the snake, for I would have ran. Your descriptions regarding the beauty of nature evoked similar sentiments from my experiences hiking. Excellent work! -Emily Wilt per 1
ReplyDeleteI like how your incorporated your friends within the story which makes it even better because. It becomes very descriptive which is good and lets the reader know exactly how the author feels. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHahaha I loved the part where you described J Dallas's fight for his life! They way you described the snake had a hint of irony in it, yet it allowed the character's experience to be heightened by the way he percieved the situation or, in other words, the snake as the "cold-blooded creature". Also, the jargon you used allowed your audience to relate to the characters as they understood the familiar words such as "yolo". I also liked the contrast between the girls' experience compared to J Dallas's.
ReplyDeleteFirst I like the use of kids from our school :). I also liked the imagery you used to describe what was happening. Overall kept the readers entertained !
ReplyDelete-Erin Napoleon
Wow this story is so descriptive I can imagine how pretty carefree Cherry must be like wow!!!!! Haha jk Michelle you are just HILARIOUS! I can totally hear your narration through this:) I like how each piece of the story transitions smoothly to the next. You are a great storyteller :) The way J Dallas's experience contrasted the girls' made the story even funnier. Your use of colloquial diction such as "yolo'd" adds humor to the story. I think what makes a writer a good writer is whether or not they can produce a good piece while maintaining their own voice...and your voice definitely shined through like no other. GREAT JOB HABIBI<3
ReplyDelete-Sherry Li
Your sense of humor had me laughing so hard. I liked how you were able to vividly describe the scenery along with what each person was feeling as they went on their adventure. I also enjoyed how the characters had different experiences, even though the setting was still the same. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious! Only craziness like that happens out in nature. Especially when no one except you and your friends are there to see it. I'm sure a lot of us can relate well to this story, including myself. You described the falls perfectly, and the events that took place were very entertaining to read. Well done!
ReplyDelete- Hannah Mueller (12) per.5
Michelle, your story was so fun and the way you wrote it made me feel like I was actually talking to you. The way that you described, and used diction to exaggerate, the situation with the snake was a great way to turn a scary situation into one that could be laughed about. It kept with the pace of the story and added to its charm. With your use of imagery you really brought things like the waterfall and forest to life and allowed the reader to picture themselves there with your characters. I liked how you wrote the story in a way that was easy to follow, despite the fact that you were switching back and forth from J Dallas and the other characters. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a fun story I loved it. This is a detailed story and the imagery was so vivid I could picture everything so clearly and see a full visual of what is going on. I really liked how you separated the two stories and the two different experiences, it made the story even more interesting. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, your details were extremely vivid. I felt like I was there. It was very humorous! I was laughing as I was reading. I like the irony in the situation with how you were having the time of your life while J Dallas was about to die. I liked how you made this setting an actual place. It kinda sound like my experience when I was there at sapphire hiking in the summer as well.
ReplyDeleteMichelle Millan. I really enjoyed reading this. It's like I was with you on your hiking adventure. And the thing is, I read this in your voice. Your colloquial language and tone made this piece as brilliant as it is. Sapphire Falls is a scary place, and J. Dallas's encounter with the snake makes me laugh but at the same time, it embraces my fear of snakes. Thank you for that. I love you.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part about the story is that it's true; that just makes the visual so funny! I was dying of laughter just imagining J Dallas fighting for his life thinking, "They just couldn't come back to get me could they? They just had to scream 'yolo' didn't they?" While everyone else is talking about the beautiful scenery of nature all calmly. The story is a perfect illustration of the memorable moments only made in in high school; priceless!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh Misha I absolutely love this! I love your use of descriptive imagery as well as your focus on detail. I could totally imagine the scene as if I were there myself with you guys. I'm so happy that you wrote about an actual experience you had, it made the story just as relatable and fun to read. Great job! :)
ReplyDeleteMichelle, this is soo cute! I loved that you used a true story and described the people you were with as how you view them everyday :) I also liked your vocabulary and how you made it how people actually talk!
ReplyDeleteTaylor Robles
I'm currently dying of laughter as I imagine JDallas fighting off a snake. The irony of this story was so hilarious, that while the girls were having the time of their lives, the "man" was off being a damsel in distress!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the description used in this story a lot. It kind reminds me when I first went on this hike. The use of the imagery was very nice. good job.
ReplyDeleteAHAHA ! I love it! I liked how you started off the piece with "inspired by a true story" and it is easy to see that it truly was, specfically when, "J Dallas stayed behind with all their stuff ". I liked the easy flow of the story- it made it seem as if you were telling me this story in person and all the little details that gave your story its voice. It is easy to see that this was a very wild but very fun hiking experience (well, except for J Dallas), but much different from the norm which also gives the story a lot of character. Good job!!!
ReplyDeleteHey girl, I enjoyed reading your story from start to finish. Your choice of characters are awesome and I was enthralled by the obstacles that the friends faced. I loved how the trio stuck together, which conveyed true friendship. Great job!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, this story totally fits your personality, it was funny and I can honestly see this situation happening in real life, and J Dallas being the one stuck in this predicament, Omg this is just like you . Nice Job !
ReplyDelete--McKynzie Fort
This story was amusing from the character descriptions all the way to the end! I like how comfortable it sounds because it made the story easy to read!
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious. I've been to Sapphire Falls and I never want to go back because how scary it is. This seemed like a fun experience for you. I like the story and how grateful you are to have gone through this dangerous adventure.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, your story had me laughing from beginning to end. The way you described the scenery and characters made it seem like I could feel every emotion they felt and see everything they saw. The story reminded me of my crazy adventure hiking the Sapphire Falls but not nearly as adventurous as this one seemed to be.
ReplyDelete-Alexis Santiago
Michelle, this story was very descriptive and humorous. I could really picture the falls and J Dallas battle with the snake. Good Job.
ReplyDelete- Cody Molla
What a cute piece! I really liked how relatable this was, as I've never been on a smooth hike myself. The imagery was great, and it had a really positive message. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Leia, this story did have a lot of character, which I think came from the use of colloquial language. It showed that you're not afraid to be yourself and to relieve yourself of conforming to the appropriate English literature.
ReplyDeleteThis story was so cute. Because of the fact that I hiked Sapphire Falls too, I feel like it definitely helped in envisioning your story; I had a great and crystal clear image in my head! I definitely enjoyed your use of diction, such as "sharp pain", as to allow the readers to gain a sense of touch while reading it. The two words put together, already evoke a "sharp pain" throughout my body, haha!
Good work! I just feel really bad for JDallas, because: 1. He seems too nice to kill a snake. 2. That's scary and I probably would be dead right now. 3. He was by himself.
This story was honestly hilarious. A serious situation for J Dallas became a focal point of hilarity, because even though getting lost sucks, the way it was described was great. I could imagine the "yolo'ing" done by these characters, and it would be just as described. Great memoir.
ReplyDeleteThis story oddly reminded me of one of my personal experiences hiking. I too, like J Dallas, was lost among the trees in the mountains, but luckily for me, I was accompanied by two other people, and we eventually slid downhill to the base where we started. Anyways, I liked your description of the setting, especially because I can connect to how there are always graffiti on the mountainside (it's a shame...). In addition, I find your narrative of J Dallas's adventure to be very interesting, especially when it got to the part with the snake attack. Overall, great job!
ReplyDelete-Ben Chang
Michelle, I feel like you literally ripped this out of your daily journal and typed it up! Your tale embodied much of your character, and I love that. I enjoyed the adventurous aspects and your precise descriptions of the events. You really made me feel as if I were there with you! It makes me happy that you chose a well-known and local area, as well as a few of our friends to make the readers imagine the story better. Thank you for keeping your audience in mind. Great job!
ReplyDeleteMisha!
ReplyDeleteThis story reminds me of how much I miss hanging out with you! It sounds like quite an adventure you had there! I liked that your flash fiction was based off of an actual event, I can only imagine what really happened! Your descriptive language was very captivating and made it easy for me to visualize what was going on. Nice work! (:
The fact that i know all these people and the story was so funny and true made it much more interesting. I enjoyed that you took an experience out of your life and put your natural twist on the events.
ReplyDelete- Percy Starks
This story was great Michelle! Danieh, Sherry, John, and you would always tell me about it. It would make me laugh every single time. "Stripped themselves from their worries" was probably the best part. Its great that its a memory you guys can keep forever. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love how you wrote this story as if you were telling it to someone! It made me feel as if I was there watching you guys on this adventure. You had a great use of imagery and I love how you had no fear in using words like "yolo'd" and "hood rat." It only made the story better and more personal :)
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of a group taking a trip and something happening that ruins it. I enjoyed the fact that they weren't deterred by getting lost and I really liked that "yolo'd" comment; I could imagine the characters screaming that as they go. I thought that something was going to pop out at J Dallas at the last minute and I felt bad that he got left behind, but I was glad they all got together at the end. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this ravishing tale Michelle. I thoroughly enjoyed the part where JD had to battle that snake and am glad everything turned out okay despite everything that went down.
ReplyDelete