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Monday, November 18, 2013

"A Story of Some Sort" by Ceasar F.

He couldn't see clearly. His vision was blurry thanks to that blow to the head. All he could
see were the flames eating all the homes in his father’s kingdom. “What’s going on,” he asked
himself. Everyone was screaming but the children’s screams were the worst. He felt as if sirens
were blowing right into his ear.
He was finally able to get his head straight and stand. His vision came back and he
couldn't believe what he saw. The castle was burning with fires that looked like hell. Everyone
was leaving, rushing towards the exit, but he had to find father.
He saw Daiki and ran towards him. “Where’s my father,” he asked.
“He still inside, getting the others out,” Daiki responded. Hikari started to run inside but
Daiki pulled him back.
“What do you think you’re doing? I can’t let you go in,” Daiki said.
“What if he needs my help. I can’t just leave father in there,” Hikari responded. “ I am to
protect you and not let any harm come to you as the kings guard. I can’t let you go especially
since we don't know whether the ones that caused this are still in there,” he said.
Hikari said, “ Then thats all the more the reason to go in and help him.” Hikari looked deep
into Daiki’s eyes and Daiki knew he was right.
“Fine… but take this.” Daiki tossed his sword to him. He saw that it was the Great Lizard
Elders sword. “I trust that you will use it properly.” Hikari nodded and ran in. Daiki saw Hikari
disappear into the flames.
Hikari was running as fast as he could but the flames weren't helping. Everything was
being engulfed by the flames. Hikari began to notice that these weren't any ordinary flames. They
burned brightly with real intensity that seemed to never stop until it engulfed everything.
He could hear the screams of the peoples pleads for help but all he cared for right now
was his father. He made it to the main chamber and saw his father. “Father,” he screamed out.
“Hikari get out of here now,” his father yelled.
The ceiling began to fall and hit Hikari. His father ran to him to help him. Hikari felt as if
there was a giant sitting on him. His father lifted the pieces off him one by one till he was free.
His father helped him up but the flames were everywhere. “We have to get out of here now,” said
his father.
“Who could do such a thing,” he asked his father.
“ You’re…” Hikari heard his father’s words cease and his father all of sudden became
heavy then plummeting to the ground. He saw a hole where his fathers heart should be. Hikari
turned around and saw something in the air on a cloud of flames but he couldn't quite see who it
was. Then he was finally able to find the image and saw that it was his brother, Natsuko.
“Na.. Natsuko,” Hikari asked
“ Why yes it’s me brother,” Natsuko responded.
“ What are you doing? Are the one causing all of this mayhem,” Hikari asked with furry.
“ Of course little brother. Don’t you like what I've done with the place. Much warmer than it
was before,” Natsuko said with a sinister grin on his face.
“Why,” Hikari asked.
Natsuko responded, “ I was bored so I wanted to see the extent of my powers, but you
should be more concerned with father. He doesn’t look to good.”
Hikari turned down to see his father on the floor now on top of a puddle of his own blood.
Hikari became engulfed with anger. He turned to Natsuko. “ You bastard,” Hikari screamed.
“Well that’s not very kind Hikari. You should be grateful that father had a painless death.
Now mother was not so fortunate,” Natsuko said bursting with laughter after.
“ I’m going to kill you,” said Hikari.
“Hey she had it coming. She was a whore anyways,” Natsuko said.
“Don’t talk like that about mother,” Hikari yelled.
“It’s true. She betrayed father on multiple occasions. I saw her and father knew about this
too but no. He wanted to keep the perfect fairy tale going so he forgave her. What a coward,”
Natsuko said with a sigh.
“Liar,” Hikari said.
Natsuko responded with, “ Oh no it’s true brother thats why they had to die. Now
everyone else were just mere casualties. I apologize.”
Hikari grasped the Great Lizard Elders Sword and pulled it out but Natsuko shot it out of
his hand with a great ball of fire.
“Well if it isn’t the Great Lizard Elders Sword. Silly brother you know it’s quite useless
without having any elemental powers such as myself.” Natsuko smiled rushed towards the
sword on his cloud and grabbed it. “ Lets see what it can do.” Natsuko glided towards Hikari
landing on top of him and impaling his gut. Hikari crashed to the floor blood spitting out of his
mouth as the hit the ground. Natsuko chuckled and heated the sword up with his powers. Hikari
could feel it getting hotter but then he felt a pain like he never had before. Natsuko was twisting
the blade and Hikari could feel his insides shred. Hikari let out a scream of terrible pain.
“STOP IT,” Hikari yelled at the top of his lungs and then all of a sudden Natsuko was
pushed off into the air landing on the ground. Natsuko had no clue what had just happened. He
looked towards were his brother was but saw that there was an aura of water surrounding Hikari.
Hikari pulled the blade out. The blood dripping off the edge.
“What is this? Since when do you have elemental powers,” Natsuko questioned loudly.
“Since right now,” Hikari responded.
Hikari felt great power and his wound began to heal. The water surrounded him not even
evaporating even with the flames around him. Natsuko couldn’t believe it.
“You don’t expect to fight me do you? I have much more experience than you do little
brother. You're no match for me,” said Natsuko.
“I might not be but I am your weakness so i don’t think it should take me much to defeat
you,” responded Hikari. Natsuko chuckled.
Hikari held the blade and began to use his powers with it. The blade cooled and had an
aura of water around it which then turned to ice the sharpest you'd ever see. The two brothers
faced each other. Both of them powering up with their elements surrounding them. They both
rushed towards each other and great explosion occurred that caused all the flames to extinguish
but with no sight of Hikari or Natsuko.

18 comments:

  1. Wow, this story was non-stop action! Your combination of descriptive imagery and passionate diction enhanced the drama of the situation. I held my breath throughout the final scene, only to be left wanting more. I am definitely in favor of a sequel! Great job! My only suggestion is that you proofread for typos next time.

    -Christina Tapia

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  2. Interesting! At first, I thought this was some sort of historical fiction, with the setting set in a medieval castle of some sort. However, as I read on, I see factors that typically wouldn't be in that type of setting (things like elemental powers and such). One thing I found strange was how when the ceiling fell on Hikari, it seems to have no effect on him. Perhaps this was suppose to be hinting about his water power that was hidden within him? Overall, a fun read that reminded me of animations I've seen in my childhood! Good job!

    -Ben Chang

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  3. Ceasar! I really liked your story. All the action kept me wanting to read more. This story shows off your creativity and the topic of elemental powers really kept me interested. It sort of reminds me of the shows, The Legend of Korra and Avatar the Last Airbender. Your imagery was very vivid and made me feel as if I was also in the castle with the brothers. While reading it, I began to feel pretty feverish because of the imagery of fire that you use. All in all, I really did enjoy reading your story and I like how in the end both the brothers disappear, leaving the reader with a question of, “I wonder what happened?”
    -Tia Basa

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  4. Dang ceasar 0_o. This was very well thought out and action filled. I enjoyed reading every line of it and really shows off your skills as a writer. I encourage you to write more so I can read it :)

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  5. I really enjoyed your story with the classic plot of the noble, good hearted brother fighting against the troubled and hateful brother. You did a very good job in developing Natsuko into a villain. You didn't just have him appear to be a villain by killing his father and mother, and setting the house on fire, but the dialogue you selected for him represented lines that a villain would say. One that stuck out to me was when Hikari was still in astonishment over his brother's actions and Natsuko exclaimed, "Much warmer than it was before", when referring to setting the house on fire. The irony that you have Natsuko use reflects his deranged state of mind and the evil that runs through him. Great job!

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  6. I think my eyes went wide with shock about 2 or 3 times! There was just so much that I wasn't expecting and so many twists! This sounds like something that would be in a movie except it would be one of those movies that could never be as great as the book. I loved it! The language was so engaging and when Natsuko called his mother a whore I was like, "Oh he did not just go there! I did not see that coming!" This was a bold piece; great job!

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  7. This was really action-packed and descriptive; I felt like I was right there with Hikari as this was all happening around him. Such a major plot twist that you put there that his brother was actually the one causing all the terror.. almost like the treachery plots that we see in Shakespeare and such, but in an anime way! I loved Hikari's snappy remark, "Since right now!"

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  8. Your story grabbed my attention right from the very first line! This was so well-written and I loved how it included a lot of action, I could totally see this piece as being a scene in an action film. I enjoyed how you included a lot of diction into the story, it made it easy to follow and easier to comprehend. Great job (:

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  9. This was really good Ceaser! Sounds just like the plot to an anime with all that familial revenge going on! This actually feels like it could be a series of some kind, giving us what we need but leaving us wanting more....
    -Arturo Ayala

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  10. WOAH! This was crazy ! It was so fast-paced and action-packed that it kept me on my toes and kept wanting to read. There was an abundance of descriptions and imagery that added more detail to the story. I truly felt the pain when the father died and the betrayal of the brother, Natsuko. The ending also caught me off guard because it was so vague! Did they both live or both die? That cliff-hanger just leaves me wanting more! Great Job!

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  11. Your concept was rather stellar, however you did have some pretty major grammar issues. Your story was compelling, as the reader was thrown right into the action. In the end, I was left wishing I knew the outcome of the battle. Good Job
    -Lauren Williams

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  12. Your piece was stellar, it had some pretty major grammar issues, but it was still really good. Your ending left me wishing I knew the outcome of the battle. Good Job.
    -Lauren Williams

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  13. Way to go Ceasar, this was really good! I don't even read things like this, but your piece really had me hooked; and wishing for more. I really like how you made everything just come to life, and I almost felt as if I was right there with Hikari! I would definitely read more of this. Great job!

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  14. Great story! There is action throughout which keeps the story exciting. There a few typos and grammatical errors but nothing too serious. I want to know what happens! haha

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  15. Good job on the story Ceasar. Action, drama, betrayal and violent sibling rivalry all in one story. Your use of details really brought me into the story. The elemental powers of the brothers reminded me of Avatar and being a fan of that show I really enjoyed this story. I liked that the story was pretty dark.
    -Oscar Salazar

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  16. It was like an explosion of medieval, Japanese action. I needed to read this story because of the fact that your title had the phrase "of sorts" in it and I sort of love that phrase for some odd reason. It was really good. I thought the characters contrasted each other to make the perfect villain slash good-doer combo. Very intriguing ending, loved it!

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  17. Ceasar I really liked this fictional story! Very dramatic, action packed, and supernatural with the elemental powers! I like how the characters are developed smoothly. At first I had no clue who the protagonist was. As time passes I learn that his name is Hikari and his father, who I'm guessing is the King, is Daiki and that he has an evil brother named natsuko. I like the Naruto reference there in which the brother "was bored so [he] wanted to see the extent of my powers" by killing the family and that the protagonist wants revenge. I also like the Avatar reference with all the elemental powers. Overall, this is a very exciting fictional story that kept me reading, yet sad not knowing what happened in the end :(. Good stuff!

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  18. There is nothing about this story that I did not like! The fast pace of it kept me glued to the story the whole time. I love the names that you chose for the characters and the fact that the brother was the one that caused everything was a shock. The incorporation of elemental powers to make the sword work was very clever and I like how the elemental powers kind of mirrored that they were opposites, as one was trying to kill people and the other was trying to save them. Great job!

    -Akelah Adams

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