Pages

Monday, October 21, 2013

"The Abandoned City" by Natalie A.


Once upon a time there was an abandoned city with no one and nothing there. It looked all old, cracked and torn apart. It’s like no one had lived there for centuries. One day these sailors came by on their ship looking for lost treasure someone had told them about. It was foggy, they couldn’t see anything not even know where they were going. . . . Until they made a big thump! They had bumped into something hard, they tried moving the ship but they couldn’t. It’s like if they have landed on an island, but they couldn’t tell because of all the fog in the sky. So they decided to set foot and walk to go and explore on what mystery they had bumped into.
           As the sailors moved closer and deeper the fog was going away little by little. It took the sailors a few/couple of days to finally realize after they’ve been through every part they looked at each other and said, “WERE ON AN ISLAND!!” Suddenly they got quite. . . . One of the sailors looked like something was on his mind! The sailor ran quickly to the ship and looked at the map. Carefully he plotted their points on where they had landed and where the treasure was hidden. Then within a few minutes he looked up, while the other sailors anxiously waiting for what he was going to say. . . . . . “WERE HERE, WERE HERE THIS IS THE ISLAND WHERE THE TREASURE IS!!” Immediately the sailors formed into groups and got supplies from the ship and headed out all in different directions in search of the lost treasure.
          On their way one of the groups came across of what it looks like an abandon city. Not much of a city was left; everything was torn, spider-webs everywhere it’s just a mess. So the sailors kept on going. It was about a few hours that had passed when another group of sailors had found this mysterious little lagoon with two long palm trees crossing each other forming an X. it was not later than but they had realized but as one of the sailors said, “THE TREASURE!! THIS MUST BE WERE THE TREASURE IS!!” Quickly everyone started digging and looking through patches, everywhere.
     After all their hard work they’ve had found it. “THE TREASURE! IT’S REALLY HERE WERE GOING TO BE RICH!!” they all said. They were filled with joy and excitement they decided to have a feast and celebrate. There celebration lasted up for two whole days. Somehow the word got out, “THESE SAILORS HAD FOUND THE LOST TREASURE FILLED WITH GOLD, RUBIES, EMERALDS AND MUCH MORE”
           In a few days thousands of people came to the island. They all rejoiced with happiness. Then pretty soon the sailors decided “Why don’t we stay here?” So the sailors went back to the old abandon city, and eventually years pasted and the sailors were able to reconstruct and build many new things were the old abandon city once laid. Throughout the years thousands of people came to visit and some stayed, the sailors had turned and old abandon city into something where people can enjoy themselves. The sailors once again rejoiced and rejoiced of what a journey they’ve had made. But they knew that deep down they knew it was, after all a pirate city.

4 comments:

  1. This was a charming story. It was a pleasant twist on the typical treasure hunt. I thought it was interesting that the pirates were willing to share their treasure with the world. The plotline was well-structured but there were some grammar errors. Just make sure to be consistent in your use of tenses. Nice work!

    -Christina Tapia

    ReplyDelete
  2. I enjoyed this rendition of a classic pirate story, i loved your emphasis and excitement conveyed in your writing although i would suggest not using capitalization on excess sentences. Great story nonetheless, especially the abandoned city and the cob webs to show the age of the city. Surprisingly the pirates shared the treasure which is a nice little twist that strays away from traditional pirate stories. Very nice job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I felt like your really developed characters and a story in this piece. I could tell you used your imagination extensively to create the story also. Just watch out for tiny errors, proof-reading will help you find them. Great job.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I enjoyed reading your story! I liked the use of imagery to paint the picture of the pirates finding this treasure. There were a few gramatical errors and the tenses weren't always consistent, but a clever plot nonetheless! Great job!

    ReplyDelete

Remember, make your comment positive, supportive, and specific to the piece you're commenting on. No anonymous comments! :)