"October 8th, 2019" by Anthony M

     October 8th, 2019, the day my life changed forever. The day I never thought would come. The day I never even thought about. The day I would be losing my mom. Losing my mom was the toughest thing I ever had to face, she was the first death I ever experienced. Losing my mom was like losing a part of me. Although she wasn’t really a part of my life, I knew we always thought about each other every day. I knew we always told each other good morning and good night even if we were nowhere near each other. My mom and I had a unique relationship, a relationship that not even death can come across. The one thing that came across my mom and I’s relationship was drugs and alcohol. Drugs took her away from me, drugs brought her to a lifestyle she never wanted, a lifestyle nobody wants. She left me at a very young age, and would show up about 5-10 times a year, slowly it became 3-5 times a year to not seeing her until she was on her deathbed. That didn’t stop me from loving my mom, and wanting to see her. I knew what was wrong at a young age, I knew the things she was doing, and I did not care. All I wanted was to see my mom, and give her a hug. My mom was a free spirit, a rule breaker, and a very caring and loving person. She was able to make everyone smile even if they were down. She cared for literally everyone, even if she didn’t know them. She tried to help the ones in need even when she didn’t have much. My mom was a very genuine person, even though she had her flaws, her positive traits outshined her flaws. I will always remember my mom as someone who wanted to get better and tried to get better. She didn’t want to be hooked on this awful thing that destroys people’s lives. I went through the stages of grief probably about 10 times, in the specific order, backwards, sideways, every way possible. I would be at the stage of acceptance then go back to denial. I always thought, “why my mom? What did she do so wrong to deserve such a horrible death?” There were people much worse than mom on the streets, why didn’t they die, why my mom? I didn’t find anything fair. If god was real and god has a plan for everyone, why did “he” take my mom at such a young age when she was ready to turn her life around. I thought to myself, “WHY DIDN’T GOD GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE?!” There are so many other addicts on the street that have done so much worse than my mom that live till they are 80, and die peacefully. Why did my mom have to die from multi organ failure? What did she do to deserve such a painful death. My mom did nothing but care for people, and tried her best to be the mother she wanted me to have. It was difficult for her, but that does not mean she deserved to have her final moments suffering, in endless pain. In case you didn’t know, liver failure is the failure of your liver to function at all. Liver failure can be acute (happens suddenly) or chronic (gradually happened). My mom refused many times to go to the hospital to get checked up because she was having pain in her upper right abdomen. It was too late for my mom, when we found out she had liver failure, she was already in the end stages which is fatal. Symptoms include, upper right abdominal pain, jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes), nausea, vomiting, disorientation, bloating, itching, bad breath, and sleepiness. My mom started with just liver failure, but after the toxins couldn’t be processed in her stomach, it went up to her brain which is when the doctors knew there was no hope. She started to be very confused and didn’t know where she was, all the toxins reached her brain which doesn’t sound good at all, and it’s not. She fought for three days, she didn’t make it. My family and I didn’t know how to process anything, we just lost my mother who was not only a mom, but a daughter, sister and auntie. I know I am going on a rant now, but this event shaped who I am today. I went through hell and back after my mom passed away. I almost went the same path my mom did, it’s the reason I changed schools. So much has happened in the two years my mom has been gone. I learned who I am today, I learned who actually cares, and who was just using me. I learned that family is everything. I know that my mom is still with me in spirit, and I know that once it’s my time to go, I will be with her at peace. I miss her contagious laugh, her beautiful smile, her warm hugs, her kisses on my forehead, and her peaceful presence. I will forever love you mom, my other half, my momma bear. October 8th, 2019, the day my life changed forever. Rest in paradise mom.