"My Butterfly" by Lauryn L

 

 

Ever since I was little I was glued to your hip, everywhere you went I came along. You were my best friend, my go to support system. Any little thing that happened in my life I called you instantly whether it was a new doll I had gotten or every detail about a boy I liked. I could not make a single decision without knowing your opinion. It didn’t matter if it was picking out every school outfit I wore or what kind of makeup to wear I can always count on you. I remember watching you paint your nails or even just sitting there watching you cook. Spending hours finishing crossword puzzles on your Hello Kitty clipboard. You did the little things like wake me up everyday for school and be there when I got home and to hear every detail about my day. As a child I was obsessed with butterflies and you would always tell me I was a beautiful butterfly that can have the freedom to go anywhere I wanted in life. You taught me to be strong and that I was capable of achieving any goal I wanted. I don’t think I could have survived everything I went through during my childhood, if you weren’t there to hold my hand and tell me I was going to be okay and rise above my struggles. Even when it felt like I had half of two people as parents, you made sure I got the love of 100. I don’t think there could ever be a way to express everything you did for my sisters and I. Everyday you loved us wholeheartedly and protected us against everything and anyone.

 

One halloween I came home, and my world changed. You got sick, and slowly I was losing the most important person to me. The next 15 month you battled a war that eventually you got tired of. It would have been selfish of me to ask you to keep fighting, but I knew you were tired. Up until the last moment I begged for a miracle. Then in a blink of an eye, you became an angel watching over me. I would do anything to hear your voice and to feel your touch. It has been 2 years and I truly don’t think I’ll ever be the same, nobody could ever take your place or come even close to what you mean to me. You are the reason I am the person I am today. I think about you everyday, say things you say, do little things like obsess over the color purple like you did. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine watching those morning games shows like “Let’s Make a Deal” and “The Price is Right''. I sit there and laugh hearing your voice about how you would always say you could win the big prizes because you were too smart for the games. It breaks me to think about how you won’t be there to see my life. How you won’t be watching me graduate from high school and college, watch me walk down the aisle at my wedding, or be by my side when I have children of my own. That when I turn my head to look for you during the most important moments of my life, you won’t be there. Then every once in a while I see a butterfly fly past me, it is always the same color and looks exactly the same every time. It always happens during times I think about how I can need you. I saw you fly by the day after my first real heartbreak, when I got my driver license, outside my window when applying to college, or even days when I just needed you, I see that you are with me. Sometimes I think I am crazy to believe it's really you, but something inside me just feels your presence when it happens. I remember that even though you are not physically here with me, you are always around watching me and protecting me like you always did. You were more than a grandma to me, you are forever my Mama. My angel. My butterfly.