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Wednesday, February 24, 2021

"The Last Letter" by Paulina J

 

Right at the beginning of the year 2020, I had to endure one of the most traumatic experiences in my entire life, thinking about it still makes my skin crawl. On a Sunday afternoon, my grandma walked into my room, falling onto her knees. She was crying, completely balling her eyes out, but I heard the pain in her voice. I was confused, in shock, and was told that my grandpa had been killed in Mexico. Hearing these words come to life was heartbreaking and filled my body with anger. Who would do that to him? How can the thought of killing my best friend even cross someone’s mind? He was my angel, he was my everything, no matter the circumstances.

I was lost, but most importantly, outraged. I felt my skin getting hot and my blood boiling, but the thing is I am not so mad at the person who killed him, but more so upset at myself for never responding to the letters he sent me while he was in prison, and for never answering the phone calls he made when he was released. I never thought that the last letter he sent would be the last one, and I never thought that I would never hear his voice again. I held a grudge with him after the age of nine, and for what? Who knows? I was upset at him for the pain he put my grandma through, and for the way he disregarded my mom’s feelings while she was growing up and trying to figure out what life was and make sense of it. I was upset that his actions led him to a prison sentence of 15 years, and that he was not there for me while I was growing up. He was selfish while he was here, but even then, what was the point in doing that?

Trying to justify my reasons for my actions does not make sense now that time has passed, and I realize that I should have let go of that anger towards him and made things right before it was too late. Experiencing this in the middle of the most important and hardest year of high school was beyond difficult. I was unfocused. I was confused. I would sit in class numb and exist in complete numbness. I did not want to talk to anyone, I hated society because of the evil people that were in it. I just wanted to say goodbye to him, but I could not even do that because if I even attended his funeral, there was a chance I would be killed too. No matter how much I tried to go, my mom told me no over and over again. My poor grandpa died alone, with no immediate family in his presence. The whole thing sucked, I needed to apologize for absolutely everything. Time passed, and as we all know, time heals everything. Eventually, I came to terms with it, and I forgave him through prayers, hoping he would be listening to me all those times. I realized that forgiving myself is just as important as forgiving him, it was better late than never.

Though this event brought lots of ache to myself and my family, I knew I had to continue to make him proud. I needed to refocus and dedicate myself to the things I knew he would want for me to be doing, which is making something big out of myself. No matter how much this event took a toll on me emotionally and mentally, I knew I had to step over the huge barrier in front of me and do something about it, so that is exactly what I did. I needed to get my act together because I knew it is what he would have wanted. I aimed to get a 4.0 GPA and ended with a 4.4. I quit the extracurricular activity that drained me emotionally. I got a new job, and I am now working at three jobs just a couple of months later. Doing all these things made me the best version of myself, I simply did what I had to do because life is way too short to live unhappy and having regrets. I miss him more than anyone can imagine, but I hope he is proud of me, and I hope he is watching over me every single day as I focus on my personal growth and happiness, for my own sake, and in honor of his memory.

19 comments:

  1. You are an inspiration to so many people. To hear your story and see your accomplishments gives me determination by itself. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you heal and continue to thrive.

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  2. Paulina, I got literal chills to the point where I almost started crying. I will forever be by your side. You are strong. I love you.

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  3. This story motivates me to be good and forgiving to everyone around me.. just like you said, it is not worth being mad because you never know when the thing you love will go away. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you a bright future with much more accomplishments to come.
    - Anastasia Lamiy

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  4. Paulina, You are the most strongest person I have ever met. I would have never thought that you were going through something like this. As I'm trying not to cry while typing, this reminded me of my grandpa. Just like you, everything that I am doing right now is for him and my cousin as they watch over me. Your determination and dream to strive for greatness is so inspiring to me. It makes me want to follow in your footsteps. Thank You, because I know that this is not easy to talk about. I'm proud of you and just keep doing what you're doing.

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  5. Paulina, this story was so inspiring and I admire your strength for enduring this as well as sharing such a traumatic experience with the class. It really showed me a different perspective that got rid of hate and resentment against loved ones because we never know when they will be gone, so thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing. I also love how you managed to find a way for this to push you into focusing on your well being; and I am sure he sees you and is proud. :))

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  6. I appreciate you for sharing your story, and I can relate with losing a close person in your life and I send my prayers and condolences to you and your family. Great story!!!

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  7. Thank you sharing a part of experience, you are so strong and I can see that you will have a wonderful life because of how you pushed yourself in the months after your experience. You are amazing. -Abigail

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  8. Wow just wow. First off, my condolences for your grandfather. Your story is so inspiring and motivating. You are so strong and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure your grandfather is proud, watching over you.

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  9. Thank for sharing this personal experience with the class because sometimes we forget that through the hard times we are able to push through and make a better outcome for ourselves. You really exemplified being strong a woman who over comes the most hardest times of her life and finding the positive.

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  10. I got chills reading this. I'm so sorry you experienced that but from what you said I saw so much growth and change since then and I'm very happy for you! I appreciate you telling this story. You're so strong and you really took a hard time in your life to better yourself rather than sink in all the bad emotions during that time.

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  11. First of all, thank you for having the courage to share a personal experience like this. Your story made me realize not to take things for granted, because we never know how fast our life can change. I’m really happy that you’ve made peace with the situation and that you’ve grown from it. You are so inspiring and I am sure that your grandpa is proud of you <3

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  12. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm so proud of your achievements and personal growth!! 4.4 GPA is quite impressive feat!

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss. There are so many great accomplishments you've achieved, I wouldn't doubt that he's beyond proud of you. Thank you for sharing such an emotional experience.

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  14. Paulina, your piece was so emotionally written, as well as very engaging. I am sorry for your loss, but I am proud of your growth in mentality and character. I hope all is well with your family a year later, and thank you for sharing such a story with us. Beautifully written.

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  15. Paulina, your piece was so emotional written and very engaging. I am so proud of your growth in mentality and character, as well as making yourself proud. I am very happy of your progress, and I hope all is well with your family a year later. Thank you for sharing such a story with us. Beautifully written.

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  16. Thank you for having the courage to share this very personal experience. Your story has reminded me to not take things for granted, because we are never guaranteed tomorrow. I’m really happy that you’ve made peace with the situation and that you’ve grown from it. i wish you the best -gisselle flores

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  17. Wow...I just want to say that I sincerely admire you for your strength. I’m so sorry for your loss, really, thank you for sharing something so personal with us. It makes me so happy to read that you’re doing better and succeeding!

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  18. Paulina thank you for sharing something so personal, it must’ve been so difficult for you but you have shown your strength through how you try to be the best version of yourself in honor of your grandpa, and I really admire that!! I can see how you’ve poured your feelings into this, and I want to give my condolences for your loss. Thank you for sharing!

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  19. Paulina this was a very emotional piece and something that resonated hard with me. I can't imagine what you went/ currently are going through and I'm sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and the fact you didn't give up and came out of this stronger to inspire others to never give up keep it going your being a blessing for us all.

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