I wake up, a rare glimpse of sunlight bathing my skin, as it has shown through the window. Waking up felt like such a pain, my body aching from working long hours in a coal mine. I live in a town in Scotland called Fort Augustus. Our town has been known for Loch Ness monster sightings, but honestly, I believe in none of that crap, it’s obviously another outlandish way to get more tourists into our town. Honestly, I have never been the social type, I always hated associating with my neighbors and since I’ve always kept to myself my co-workers look at me like I’m crazy, they have no idea what I have going on in my life. I’ve been taking care of my mother for about two years now, she has been mentally diagnosed with schizophrenia and I feel like the stories revolving around our home town only make her condition worse. It has been really hard taking care of her, I really do try my best to afford her pills and give her a good life but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. She’s been having recent hallucinations, talking about this monster that has been roaming around our lake. Probably another one of the town’s stories for tourists, but I’ve been getting more worried about her.
There’s been a lot of commotion in town lately, news started spreading through the town like a flood. They say people are starting to go missing overnight. My mother isn’t getting any better either. When it hits dusk my mother yells on our porch saying she sees this beautiful creature in the lake, but every single time I look towards the lake I see nothing at all. It must be all the stories getting to her again; I just wish this God-forsaken town could move on from these myths and tall tales. Nothing but an old wife's tale that seems to take over the town. She’s constantly getting out of bed at night, at first it was sleepwalking but now she’s fully conscious. With all the rumors of how or why people are going missing, it only makes me stress out.
The air felt colder; dark clouds started to stretch across the sky. It must be raining soon. I was sound asleep until lightning strikes and thunder roars. I know mother doesn't mind storms at all, but I felt the sudden urge to go check on her. I walked in her room to check on her but nothing, she was gone and it seemed like she disappeared into thin air. Was it the kidnappings! I grabbed my ax that was laid against the front door and run outside. All I heard was my mother screaming filled the air. I was frozen in fear, has she been kidnapped?
My senses came back to me and I ran through the front door to follow her. There she was in the lake, I could not believe my eyes. It was a creature, not the Loch Ness monster, but some horse. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Beautiful was the only word that came to mind when I saw it. Its gorgeous silky white coat shone brightly in the moonlight, its long white hair looked softer than anything I had ever seen. It’s deep blue eyes shone in the night and sparkled like a pair of sapphire gems. A loud shriek echoed in my ears. I snapped out of my trance and saw my mother her body merging into the horses. This was wrong, the horse was no longer a beautiful white coat, but a murky black skin. This was a kelpie, an old tale of demon horse in disguise. They lure in victims with their looks and once they touch them their body turns into black sticky goo and they drag them into the water to eat.
I saw my mom in agony and tried to help her but, she was stuck and I realized so was I. I panicked, I couldn’t get my hands off its thick fur, it was like my hand was trapped in ink. I remembered that my ax was on the floor and struggled to get it. After a couple of tries of tugging and pulling, I managed to get a hold of it. I knew there was only one thing I could do, I grabbed
the ax and hacked at my hand that was stuck. I could not bear the pain, it was so bad it felt like I
was going to die. I tried swinging at the horse, but I became dizzy and weak. I just felt
everything around me spinning, my mother’s scream was fading, I collapsed in the floor and I
just looked at my mom, tears streaming from her face. Then it was pitch black.
I woke up, and right beside me was what was left of my mother, body parts shredded and scattered. A nearby neighbor saw me and immediately screamed. I was still in a lot of pain and I felt weak. I couldn’t get up. After a couple of minutes, the police arrived. I saw them running towards me and I felt like there was finally a sense of hope. They were getting close and they started reaching for there guns. I tried to explain that I had nothing to do with my mother’s death, but they didn’t believe me. I yelled at them telling them about the Kelpie but they looked at me like I was insane. They cuffed me and took me to an asylum, where I was left to rot. I warned them that the monster was still out there, but no one believes me. One thing I do know is that every day more people are going missing, and that beast is still out there.
I woke up, and right beside me was what was left of my mother, body parts shredded and scattered. A nearby neighbor saw me and immediately screamed. I was still in a lot of pain and I felt weak. I couldn’t get up. After a couple of minutes, the police arrived. I saw them running towards me and I felt like there was finally a sense of hope. They were getting close and they started reaching for there guns. I tried to explain that I had nothing to do with my mother’s death, but they didn’t believe me. I yelled at them telling them about the Kelpie but they looked at me like I was insane. They cuffed me and took me to an asylum, where I was left to rot. I warned them that the monster was still out there, but no one believes me. One thing I do know is that every day more people are going missing, and that beast is still out there.
Incredible use of imagery and detail throughout the entire piece! Not once did I get lost or lose interest, I was intrigued the entire time! Amazing work!
ReplyDeleteWow...you need to write a sequel to this! This was so interesting to read and I did not want it to end. Through your writing, you were able to set the atmosphere and the setting so perfectly. Your ability to merge supernatural horrors with real situations made the whole idea of there being a Kelpie more believable. I don't even know what a Kelpie is but after reading this I want to learn more about it. How can something so beautiful and majestic be so demonic?
ReplyDeleteI really love how the whole story sounds almost surreal and that unlike most stories, it doesn't have a happy ending. Also, the way you used a longer sentence structure when describing the encounter with the monster was a really good move and definitely helped to heighten the intensity of that scene. Overall, this was definitely a great short story to read.
ReplyDeleteAwesome job with your story! You had me wanting more and gasping in surprise at the end, totally didn’t expect that plot twist! Your usage of imagery was very well put especially with the demon kelpie horse. Your story was well put together and set up nicely to bring us to the tragic ending. Great job ! :)
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of this creature till now and the way you described it and created the suspense made this story even better to read! At first you suggested the Loch Ness monster but then it turned out to be a different creature, quite possibly one more terrifying! Truly a great story.
ReplyDeleteWith limited space, you created a stunning story that never took my eyes away from the screen! The detail you put in describing your character, the way he felt, what he saw and what he did made it really easy to picture the events without becoming too confused without oversaturating it with unnecessary details. This made this for a very fun and interesting read, nice job!
ReplyDeleteI am absolutely speechless after reading your story! The way you described the creature with such beautiful imagery at first entranced me and when the descriptions turned frightening, I was just as scared as the protagonist in the story. Amazing job, you are a fantastic writer!
ReplyDeleteWow. I really enjoyed this short story because you used so much imagery to make it so intriguing and left me wanting for more. I didn't want to stop reading and wish there was another part. The details really put the whole story together and made it suspenseful. Overall, this was a very interesting and great story!!
ReplyDeleteWas this purely your idea or did you have a myth to back this up because it was amazing and I'd love to read more about it! I really liked the plot twist that the monster wasn't the loch ness monster. Amazing story that pulls you in!!!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery that you showed throughout the piece has me in awe! I loved the way that he suspense builds until the climax.
ReplyDelete- Vibs P.
What a short story! The vast amount of imagery utilized drew me in right away. I did not want to stop reading and not gonna lie I wished for more. I am not saying the story was to short, I felt like I was a part of this story for a moment then I was done. This story was well put together, the details were amazing and overall a well written story. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteWow Jonathan, just wow! I loved the inclusion of the Loch Ness Monster and the fantastical elements of the different monsters. The development of what is going on through the story and the suspense is done quite well.
ReplyDeleteYour emphasis of repeating that all the stories in town were simply myths and that the mother's conditions was worsening, made me truly believe that all the monster stuff was a lie, really surprising me when you confirmed that the monster was real. Great plot twist with the arrival of the police. I first felt a sense a relief when they arrived, and I thought the story was going to end there. Yet, you completely caught me off guard with your ending.
ReplyDeleteyour story was absolutely thrilling. I liked your use of detail and imagery through out the piece. the use of old myths and creatures was really fascinating and brought out an ominous element in the piece. every word drew me in. great job on your story it was fun to read! -kayla j
ReplyDeleteI really liked the imagery you used to describe what the horse looked like. I felt as if I was staring right at the horse. The unexpected twist caught me off guard and now I want more.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the imagery you used to describe what the horse looked like. I felt as if I was staring right at the horse. The unexpected twist caught me off guard and now I want more.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really great story! I loved all of the suspense of the story. I also really liked the cliff hanger at the end and it makes me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteWow! you really got me with that description of the horse and I was not expecting the horse to be the monster at all. I loved the beautiful use of imagery and suspense and that the speaker is someone who actually lived to tell the tale and we get to see how his life was affected after his encounter.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this story greatly due to the substantial use of imagery along with the persuasive nature of the story. The ending of it was also executed nicely. Nice story!
ReplyDeleteGreat use of vivid detail especially when describing the horse and it’s fur. It really brought the story to life
ReplyDelete.Your use of imagery is truly a talent and you create such a vivid setting that it is easy to get caught up in the story. This is very well done and you have a real talent for writing.
ReplyDelete-Rebecca Clinton
The imagery in this story was very vivid. This was very important to the story because it allowed for me to see and picture the image in my head, although I know what certain images are like a horse. Very great story and good job all around.
ReplyDeleteThis piece of literature is absolutely amazing. It truly thrilled me on how you used many points of imagery and detail in your piece. This is an A+ piece right here Jonathan!
ReplyDeleteYour use of imagery was phenomenal ! I liked the use of vivid imagery, and the persuasiveness within the story :)
ReplyDeleteYour use of imagery and detail throughout your piece was amazing. I was intrigued the whole time while reading this. The tragic ending was such an unexpected plot twist! Very good job all around!
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