Act 1 - Gareth
(Narrative version)
Michael Joseph V. Ibarra
We’ve been on a raft stranded in the middle of the sea for about 3 days. And we
just now arrived on a deserted island. The 6 of us stop for a sec then RJ steps forward,
“We should set up camp here.” He says. “How do you suggest we do that genius?”
Charlie Replies. Charlie and RJ doesn’t have the greatest sibling relationship, then
again he doesn’t have the greatest relationship with anybody. “Why don’t we start with a
fire dingus! Get some matches from the raft.” Charlie doesn’t budge so I step in. “Hey
Theo, how much food do we have left on the raft?” I ask. “Enough for about 3 days if we
ration, but if we find some branches I can use my knife to make some spears for
hunting.” He says. Theo for some reason knows way too much about surviving in the
wild, I guess in the end it benefits us. “Alright, what about water?” Parker asks. Charlie
walks up to Parker, “You know Parker, you can be a real dunce sometimes.” He points
to the ocean, “You see that? Water. Drink it! “Sarcasm doesn’t suit you well Charlie.”
“Sarcasm?” “We can still use the desalinator on the raft.” Theo says. “The What?”
Charlie replies. “That black box with the hose attached to it?” “How is that gonna give us
water?” “It just does ok?” They keep bickering for a minute then they begin trying to talk
over each other. “Well excuse me for not having a Harvard education!” “It’s middle
school science Charlie!” “Whatever I can be smart too! Mitochondria is the powerhouse
of the cell!” Jocie breaks them up. “Enough! Both of you!” “He started it!” Charlie says.
“Shut it!” “We wouldn’t be in this mess if Charlie didn’t get the captain to fall overboard!”
Parker snaps. Charlie then says something that really got me upset. “It was an innocent
game of marco polo!” “Because 2 bottles of Jack is innocent?” I say. After the captain
fell overboard Theo was brave enough to take over but the storm got the best of us and
the yacht capsized, most of us were able to jump ship, but we still lost some people;
Rj’s parents, Jocie’s dad, and Parker’s wife, Riley, who was also my sister. I just can’t
help but blame Charlie for this, his childish mentality got us stuck in this situation. “You
know what, we need some water.” Jocie says. Theo steps up, “Wait! Here, I found these
on the raft.” Theo passes around some whistles. “Be safe.”
Act 2 - Rj
Even on a deserted island I still find some way to be happy, I mean I’m here with the love of my life, my brother (eh), and my best friend. We pretty much have all the essentials so now we’re just bored out of our minds. Charlie starts tapping a rhythm with some sticks. Parker starts to sing, “Bones sinking like stones, all that we fought for.” Gareth then hops in, “Homes, places we’ve grown, all that we’ve fought for.” Then Jocie, “We live in a beautiful world.” I finish it off, “ Oh all that I know, there's nothing here to run from, 'cause here, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.” This song is how pretty much all of us got to know each other, Mylo Xyloto tour 2011. Jocie and I were on our 2nd anniversary and Coldplay was in town that month. We met Riley, Gareth and, Parker when they were seated right next to us. We got to talking and next thing we know we’re having dinner at an outback in Covina after the concert. “Do you guys hear that?” Parker says. “Guys someone is here move back.” Theo urges. He then pulls Charlie back. We then hear a voice, “I mean you no harm, I just need water or-,” The man steps into the light, “Jocie?” He says. It’s her dad! They run towards each other and they hug for a bit. “It’s good to see you sir!” I say. “It’s good to see you to Ronald” He replies. “This calls for a celebration!” Theo claims. “I’ll go catch some fish! Gareth you’re with me.” “Alright.” Gareth says. “I’ll get some water.” Jocie says.
Even on a deserted island I still find some way to be happy, I mean I’m here with the love of my life, my brother (eh), and my best friend. We pretty much have all the essentials so now we’re just bored out of our minds. Charlie starts tapping a rhythm with some sticks. Parker starts to sing, “Bones sinking like stones, all that we fought for.” Gareth then hops in, “Homes, places we’ve grown, all that we’ve fought for.” Then Jocie, “We live in a beautiful world.” I finish it off, “ Oh all that I know, there's nothing here to run from, 'cause here, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.” This song is how pretty much all of us got to know each other, Mylo Xyloto tour 2011. Jocie and I were on our 2nd anniversary and Coldplay was in town that month. We met Riley, Gareth and, Parker when they were seated right next to us. We got to talking and next thing we know we’re having dinner at an outback in Covina after the concert. “Do you guys hear that?” Parker says. “Guys someone is here move back.” Theo urges. He then pulls Charlie back. We then hear a voice, “I mean you no harm, I just need water or-,” The man steps into the light, “Jocie?” He says. It’s her dad! They run towards each other and they hug for a bit. “It’s good to see you sir!” I say. “It’s good to see you to Ronald” He replies. “This calls for a celebration!” Theo claims. “I’ll go catch some fish! Gareth you’re with me.” “Alright.” Gareth says. “I’ll get some water.” Jocie says.
Act 3 - Charlie
I never really liked fish, it’s all weird looking when cooked in one piece. But it’s all we have, so I guess it will do. I never meant for the captain to fall overboard but I can’t help but feel guilty, I killed Riley, I killed my parents. But it seems they’ve just ignored it, and I don’t like it because all I got was a slap on the wrist. “Hey Theo.” I say. “What’s up?” “I just want to... I want to say thanks for catching the fish.” “We could thank Theo for a lot of things!” Gareth exclaims. “Aw, thanks guys! Although-” Theo puts his arm around me, “I may never be able to play another game of marco polo ever again.” Everyone laughs. Damn it! Serves me right though, everything I’ve done, but it still hurts, a lot. I push Theo’s arm off, “I think I’m gonna go for a swim.” I say. “What, gonna play another round with the captain?” Parker jokes. “Ha ha ha! I hope you choke on that fish.” I walk towards the beach and I just lay in the water, thinking. How I should have gone down with the boat, instead of Riley, instead of mom and dad. But then I realize I’m not gonna go anywhere in life feeling sorry for myself. I’m gonna make it up to them, I promise. I close my eyes for a bit, the next thing I know there’s a sharp pain in my chest, I look and there's just a clear blob. The pain increases so I try my hardest to get out of the water. On my way back to camp everything is just loopy, sounds are disappearing, everyone at camp runs towards me. I think I’m screaming but I’m not sure. Now I’m thinking, “This is it, this is my penance.” The last thing I see is Rj passing a knife to Theo, he says “I’m sorry.” Then, Nothing... END
I never really liked fish, it’s all weird looking when cooked in one piece. But it’s all we have, so I guess it will do. I never meant for the captain to fall overboard but I can’t help but feel guilty, I killed Riley, I killed my parents. But it seems they’ve just ignored it, and I don’t like it because all I got was a slap on the wrist. “Hey Theo.” I say. “What’s up?” “I just want to... I want to say thanks for catching the fish.” “We could thank Theo for a lot of things!” Gareth exclaims. “Aw, thanks guys! Although-” Theo puts his arm around me, “I may never be able to play another game of marco polo ever again.” Everyone laughs. Damn it! Serves me right though, everything I’ve done, but it still hurts, a lot. I push Theo’s arm off, “I think I’m gonna go for a swim.” I say. “What, gonna play another round with the captain?” Parker jokes. “Ha ha ha! I hope you choke on that fish.” I walk towards the beach and I just lay in the water, thinking. How I should have gone down with the boat, instead of Riley, instead of mom and dad. But then I realize I’m not gonna go anywhere in life feeling sorry for myself. I’m gonna make it up to them, I promise. I close my eyes for a bit, the next thing I know there’s a sharp pain in my chest, I look and there's just a clear blob. The pain increases so I try my hardest to get out of the water. On my way back to camp everything is just loopy, sounds are disappearing, everyone at camp runs towards me. I think I’m screaming but I’m not sure. Now I’m thinking, “This is it, this is my penance.” The last thing I see is Rj passing a knife to Theo, he says “I’m sorry.” Then, Nothing... END
Your story was very interesting it kept me engaged and interested the entire time and i really enjoyed how you made all the characters think and talk like how they actually would. They all use slang and sound like how actual kids these days sound. Plus you made them all argue and bicker and make fun of each other just like real kids would so i really enjoyed that compared to how most things are written using academic language so it was a nice change of pace within an interesting story.
ReplyDeleteI like how you added three different point of views and used the story to explain the characters and the hardships that they were facing. Having these different point of views helps to further the story, and at the end, create suspense about what happened to Charlie. - Vibhuti P
ReplyDeleteThis was an entertaining story that is highlighted by its character interactions through dialogue or put gestures that grabs the reader's attention notably sarcasm. The bickering between characters was enjoyable and snappy also adding to the overall character dialogue impact while reading. In addition the different acts seem to progress the story from different perspectives that makes the reading have a certain feel of rhythm. - Izaiah Rojas
ReplyDeleteI love the dialogue your incorporated into the story. It really makes me feel as though I'm right there fighting for survival along with the characters. The story is also engaging and humorous. “Well excuse me for not having a Harvard education!” “It’s middle school science Charlie!” That line cracked me up and there wasn't a single moment in which I got bored while reading this story. Great job! -Brianna Yang
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your writing quite a lot. The inclusion of the three different perspectives was very intriguing and seeing how all three reacted to the situation at hand was quite interesting. The dialogue within the narrator’s thoughts and feelings really gave depth to the situation and the feelings of the different characters. Along with all that, I love’d the dialogue since it sounds much like we sound when we talk, giving that sense of connection and enjoyment from the reader’s perspective. - Kira S.
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