"Life Beats You Up" by Katie Y

Every day of your life do you ever acknowledge your heart as it’s beating?

Not just the idea of your heart as something that beats in your chest and is apart of your body, but as something that keeps you alive vouluntarily, and is the main reason why you’re alive.  It’s something that you constantly take for granted because you aren’t necesarilly having to be the boss of your heart and tell it what to do every second of your life. Your heart is the first thing that is given to you as a fetus, and other than your brain, it’s that doesn’t really change drastically as you become older.

For my whole life, when I felt my heart hiccuping and racing, I assumed that it was normal. I assume that that’s what my heart was supposed to do, because I don’t have control of it. This past year, I finally began to acknowledge my heart. I remember so vividly, the feeling of not being able to breathe, and the pains that I would feel in my chest, but after finally having enough,I asked to go to the doctor. Earlier this year, in April, I did myself, and my heart a favor. After hundreds of tests and monitors that I had to keep on for months, my heart shattered as multiple doctors told me that they had no clue what was wrong with me. They agreed that my heart rate shouldn’t be a hundred and eighty beats per minute while I was sleeping, or that it shouldn’t be over two hundred just because I got excited over a baseball game. They concluded that my heart did beat abnormally, yet they still couldn’t come to a diagnosis for my heart and I. I remember crying out of frustration at night and being so angry over the littlest things because there wasn’t anything to be done, and it wasn’t that I  blamed the doctors, but I blamed myself. I hated that I was restricted to doing things over the summer, that I couldn’t go swimming, because I couldn’t take my monitor off, or I couldn’t ride rollercoasters because my heart rate would get too high. I started to hate my heart, I hated the pain that would radiate from it, I hated that at times I had to tell myself that I couldn’t participate at cheer practice, and most of all, I hated that I knew my heart was supposed to be something that kept me alive, but for some reason, it was choosing to not do it’s job. At times I would ask why my heart was doing this to me. I often wondered what I could do to make my situation better, and I would constantly stress myself out that even my doctors couldn’t figure out why my own heart beats were abnormal. Finally, after six months, I came home from school and my mom told my that my cardiologist finally called with an idea of a diagnosis. He told her that I had Sinus Tachycardia, which is pretty much a condition that your heart just begins to race at anytime, he says that it’s what he believes I have, but it could be much worse, they just weren’t a hundred percent sure yet. My cardiologist said that this condition could be life threatening, because my heart can fail at anytime due to it beating too quickly for my body, and I was given the option to take Betablockers, or even have an ablation. Even with an answer, I was still upset with my heart. I hated it even more because I didn’t want to be on a drug that would slow my heart rate down, and make me tired all of the time, or get surgery. I constantly wanted my pain to be over and just have my life be done with, which I now know nobody should want. Other than your brain, your heart keeps you alive, and when you think about it, you should never hate something that is there to help you. I still haven’t chosen to be on Betablockers, or get a surgery for my heart, but for now I’m choosing to just live my life day by day, and to be thankful for everyday that I have. Through all of that, I’ve learned that sometimes, you can hate a part of yourself, and that at times life really does beat you up, but I know that I will never take anything for granted, especially the gift of life.