"Jump!" I heard my arrogant yet daring cousin Dryad
yell. Her icy blue eyes gazed into my dark green ones from across the menacing
rocky cliff that stood between us and the active waves. Her short blonde hair
covered her fragile, and pale face as a huge gust of wind blew through, at
least my long red hair was tied up in a ponytail, the tips of my hair tickled
the back of my neck. I looked down at the cruel, roaring blue waves as they
knocked against the rocky edges of the cliff. It smelled of disgusting salt and
fish. I stuffed my pale hands into my
dark purple hoodie and let out a shaky breath as I felt the tension compress my
lungs and heighten my fear. The fear ran through my veins and my heart was
beating faster than humming birds wings when they fly. Dryad rolled her hands
on the inside of her yellow sweater and rolled her eyes.
"Chicken!" She yelled
with that intimidating but girly voice. I stare at the cold fog that appeared
every time I let a breath escape from my cherry gloss filled lips.
"It's freezing! I don't feel
like doing it anymore!" I yelled to her as she stood on a rock near the
cliff. I was almost afraid she was going to fall. She tilted her head to the
side and kept gazing at me. She wasn't going to stop until I jumped. Why did I
agree to do this? That question won't be answered at this point. I told myself,
not to let fear control.
"Any day now Skylar!" She
yelled once again only adding on to my stress. I stomped my foot onto the
ground as I took my hoodie off and left it on the rock nearby. I fixed my black
tank top and took off my purple Vans to reveal my black and white checkered
socks. I rubbed my frozen hands together one last time before I jumped into my
avoidable yet inevitable fate. It was a long way down. Once I felt my body rise
off the ground, everything occurred in slow motion until I felt my body splash
into the freezing water. I emerged from the water and looked up at the cliff, I
started to cheer until a massive wave pulled me in to the rocks. I struggled
and pushed against the hard waves, but it was no use. Before I could even blink
I felt my head smash against the pointy, deadly rocks at the bottom of the
cliff. After that I don't recall a thing. Until I woke up. I wasn't in a
hospital. I was in the middle of a forest. Confused, hurt, lost, and unable to
remember a thing. Not even my name. Not a single memory ran through my brain.
Did I have a home? Family? Who was I? Did it ever really matter in the first
place? Soon everything faded away. Faded into nothing. Nothing but lost
memories.
Hi there Katheryn! I must say I love your story! I loved the use of imagery, how descriptive each movement the characters made and the scenery around them, and I loved the cliffhanger at the end. It was a very creative and amazing piece of writing! ~Kimberly Tsuyuki, Period 6
ReplyDeleteThis story kept me on my feet! I want to know what happened to her and how she was saved. I love the escalation of the story, one minute she is contemplating on whether or not she should jump and finally overcoming her fear she faces a new fear of whether or not she will survive and when she does survive she looses all memory of her life except for that tragic event.
ReplyDelete-Milani Thomas
EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish to be a beautiful writer like you one day!!! i have a strong passion for writing and your story had such great detail! It was like i was apart of the story and i was remembering my thougts and the event that occured!!! Please continue writing and continue to grow! ill be here taking notes and gaining ideas from your pieces! This inspired me to write another story and to add more detail than i have ever before!!!
ReplyDelete_deja hardrick
period 2
I couldn't stop reading! The imagery in the story was used so beautifully. And i enjoyed how you wrote the descriptions of the characters and everything around them. The story was amazing, keep up the good work. ;)
ReplyDelete-Mariah Rhodes
I really liked this story. I liked the use of imagery and how you pointed out that teenagers do stupid stuff that gets them hurt, even killed.
ReplyDelete- Pierce Bryant
Your story was very smooth as I read it, adding to the mood of the story. This helped the reader to hear and feel the cool and calm yet panicked tension within Skylar. I also loved the voice of the story. The reader could really hear when the speaker sounded a little irritated or when she felt panicked; I really felt as though I were in her head while reading it! Awesome job!
ReplyDelete-Eva Badal
Christian Black Period 1
ReplyDeleteSeptember 9 2014
I really loved it Katheryn! How descriptive this piece is incredible, the speaker is so observant and descriptive of what's going on around her and how she's feeling at that specific point of time. The cliff hanger was like the cherry on top, it makes the reader want to know what happens next. Well Done!
Hi Katheryn!
ReplyDeleteI must admit.. I was caught a little off guard by the ending your piece.
Okay. Maybe a lot. However, I have to say, it's the most intriguing story I have read in quite a long while. It really kept me on the edge of my seat, wondering what your next words would be! The imagery was so incredibly realistic.. it was truly striking! I felt like a part of your story, and I'm afraid the ending was just a wee bit too amazing.. as I'm scared I'm left wanting more. Sigh. It is an amazingly beautiful piece, and crafted with much visible care.
Cheers for an astonishing piece! :)
This story definitely left me wanting more! Good job! I loved how you used your imagery and detail to make readers really feel the sense of fear and give us a image of the depth of the water and the rocks surrounding it! This really got me thinking relatively of peer pressure and the typical reaction of any person, who may be placed in a situation such as this! This story has fantastic word choice, diction, with words that gave us a sense of the scenario and problem at hand. The main character, dived in to surpass her fear and to her dismay, did not safely return, but was left with loss. In her case, the loss of memory.
ReplyDeleteThe story is simply great. It shows us how a silly little dare can change our lives and leave us with nothing. Similar too life. The story captures the feelings we go through literal and non literal. How the wave is strong and no matter how hard she faught she still awoke with nothing to bring her any emotion.
ReplyDelete-Cynthia Alcala
Jack Myers
ReplyDeletePeriod 1
This story had so much imagery that I could perfectly visualize the scene you were trying to depict so props to you on that. I also loved how the story left me to wonder so much. Why did her cousin want her to jump? Why did he even feel the need to jump? But what I did know is that the character gave in to peer pressure and it caused her to lose so much. That concept is easy to relate to which makes this story that much better. Good job.
Hallie Deeds
ReplyDeletePeriod: 4
This story was absolutely amazing! It kept me on my feet the whole time. I really enjoyed how you used description words it made me feel more connected to the story.great job!
I feel like I could definitely relate to this poem as in the part of letting yourself go into the water. I felt like I was there with you. Even a decision like choosing to go in my pool or not gets me feeling that way. I enjoyed the ending because it was definitely a plot twist. I did not see her being so lost and confused after her decision.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this piece it was very detailed and it was an amazing story that included the use of imagery.
ReplyDelete-Vymian San
This was a wonderful story. The imagery is great, and the cliffhanger at the end really got me. Again, an amazing story.
ReplyDelete- Anthony Chao, Period 6
This story was every interesting and I loved the imagery present throughout the entry. As you described Dryad shouting and pressuring Skylar, I could feel a little anger start to stir up in me because Skylar obviously did not want to go through with the jump. The details you provided were very helpful in constructing the world in which Skylar was in and her fear and hesitation. In some moments, I could set myself in Skylar’s place and be her and see and feel as she does in the entry. I fully expected Skylar not to give in, but when she actually went through with the jump I was quite shocked. At the end, when the reader learns that she has lost her memory I felt quite bad for Skylar, but I was also very angry at Dryad. This piece shows that negative consequences of peer pressure. Sometimes children pressure their peers to do very dangerous things that can seriously harm them; and seeing Skylar lose something as precious as her memories definitely fueled my anger.
ReplyDeleteAngel Ramirez
ReplyDeletePeriod 1
This story was great. I enjoyed the imagery throughout the entire story. The scene was so well described throughout each line. I think most high school students can relate to the story due to the fact that teens experience peer pressure quit a lot. I think many people would love this story because of its use of descriptive language and suspense throughout the entire story.
I LOVED how descriptive this story was !! I felt like I was there with her ! i loved the mysterious ending ! great story! (imalla ramirez , period 6)
ReplyDeleteAlexis Huizar
ReplyDeleteThe massive amount of imagery you used helped me see the story in my head as I was reading it and it was so good! I think most teenagers can relate to this because it talks about peer pressure and many of us have given in to that or have come close. Good job my friend! (PS I miss you!)
Max Soares
ReplyDeletePeriod 6
The story has so much imagery I literally felt like I was there. The story is very relatable.
Period 1:
ReplyDeleteHm, I can imagine this shaping into a fully developed novel where the narrator goes on a grand, fantastical journey to regain her memory and/or return home. Each new character she meets might even reflect an attribute of herself as a child, a teenager, or even as an adult. Even though the story stops with questions of Skylar's location and if she died that day she jumped off the cliff, I would be glad to see more of this. I thoroughly enjoyed the specific details you used to describe the scene and the characters with the usage of colors like a purple hoodie and a yellow sweater to better paint the picture. The metaphor you used to compare your heartbeat faster than the speed of a hummingbird's wings elicits the fear she has of diving into her possible death. I'm also curious if the water is symbolic to baptism as she jumps into the water and becomes "anew" or "leaves the old life" of what she once had, leading to her awakening in the forest. More please!
I absolutely love this!! It's so.. simplistic. There isn't this excessively florid vocabulary, or deeply intricate plotline. But it's crisp, and clean, and shocking towards the end. The ending was so cleverly unexpected that I couldn't help but smile. Congratulations on a great piece.
ReplyDeletei loved the story i could actually relate to skylar. i was quite surprsed in what happned in the end by the way great story i loved it. alissa del castillo
ReplyDeleteDestiny Rodriguez
ReplyDeletePeriod: 6
I really loved this story! The imagery of the story was very descriptive and beautiful. I absolutely loved how you describe the characters and the ocean.
Wow. I really loved this story. I love the uses of diction and imagery. It was like reading one of my favorite books. It was great!
ReplyDeleteI don't read alot but this story really got my attention. i loved how descriptive you put this story and i love how you put a very good amount of imagery. It helped me picture the story so clearly. :D Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery used to describe the roaring ocean that caused a certain possiblility of fear in the main character was excellent and the ending was definitely a cliffhanger that should definitely have a sequel in trying to find those memories and self discovery.
ReplyDelete-Joey Roest
I loved the imagery in this story, I could imagine and see the large waves crashing against the rocks and I felt her fear. I love when stories take a spin into something I could not predict her waking up in a forest after the waves crashing into her. It grabbed my attention wanting to read more. I was expecting this story to be about her facing her fears. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful story Katheryn! I loved the use of detail in the beginning and how it suddenly shifts into emptiness and losing yourself, but how can you lose who you don't know? That's the amazing impact of the last line. The loss of memory has such a bitter sweet taste on losing all the past memories of pain and regret to start a clean slate, but also how it leaves ambiguity and chills down your spine just by the thought of being alone and lost in your own little world
ReplyDelete-Mahlon Howard: Period 4
Evelin Conde
ReplyDeletePeriod. 5
I love how much detail and description you have in this piece, it really gives me a visual of a girl standing on top of a cliff. The whole time I was thinking "DON'T JUMP DON'T JUMP!" It was really suspenseful! As I read every sentence I was excited to read the next! By the end I didn't want your story to end, it really kept me wanting more. Now I'm intrigued I want to know what happen to this girl? Would her memory every come back? Is she dead? Its kinda like a mystery at the end which made the story even more interesting. Nice work!
WOW! The ending was totally unexpected! This amazing piece just left me with a sea full of questions Kat! Wow... your use of imagery and tone is astonishing as you were detailing the time of the cliff jumping part I even felt myself shiver in this hot Cali weather! I really like this piece mainly for the reason that you have accomplished in what many writers can't do at times, and it is to hook with the audience within the first couple sentences. My favorite part of this piece is your unpredictable ending in where she wakes up in a forest. May I ask, was this all literal or figurative? I have oh so many questions to ask about this piece! Good thing I sit right next to you! (Perks of being Jaena)
ReplyDeleteGreat job in handling such a fine pice of writing!
-Jaena Fabia
Period 4
Fantastic descriptions, I especially enjoyed the details about the clothing. Sounds strange, I know. But it adds a certain chilling familiarity, I would say. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading I thought this to be a tale of adventure and facing obstacles. I thought it would end with a happier result, however I was saddened to read the last paragraph and realize that this girl passed away on some dare. I can only imagine what she left behind, especially her friend, who will forever be haunted by this event. I went back to read again and I saw the foreshadowing riddled throughout this entry. You incorporated many ominous omens through your language and imagery. Quite effective and ultimately tragic. Keep it up
ReplyDelete-Andy Reinschmidt Per 4
The effect of this passage is tremendous! You start off with what seems to be such a happy and enjoyable memory of one's life only to realize that those decisions made during your life can lead to such an outrageous outcome. The indepth detail of it made me feel as if I was literally watching it infront of me. Keep up the good work Kat!
ReplyDeleteRichie Gaspers
ReplyDeletePeriod 5
That entire story seemed to sum up every single stupid thing I've ever done with my friends. It really touched home cause we were doing something like this back when I was little and one of our friends didn't make it across. The whole time I read this I was seeing that and the ending you gave this leaves me asking so many questions. I loved reading that Katherine, it was really enjoyable.
The great detail helps you have an image in your head on this fantastic story and makes you feel like your in the story, loved it
ReplyDeleteValerie Perez
Period 6
leonella rendon
ReplyDeleteperiod 6
in the story there was alot of imagery and very descrptive. keep up the great work. id love to read more
Awesome job, i love how descriptive you were in the story. I felt so bad that the main character lost her memory
ReplyDelete- Cassandra Arroyo
As I was reading the beginning of your piece, I was expecting the tone to be constant throughout the rest of the story. However, you shifted the tone in a clever way. You caused a suspense before the shift which kept the reader curious of what was going to occur to the girl. Truly a well written piece. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteWow Kat, this is really amazing. This reminded me of most of the books I read, driven and intense. I was surprised to find out about her amnesia in the end. Was it on purpose? Did she actually lose her memory or did she just want to forget? I really love it and hope you write more!
ReplyDelete- Frederick Sagoe
Isaiah Johnson
ReplyDeletePeriod 1.
Your use of descriptive words really enhanced the image of the speaker, Skylar, bringing her to life. It was almost as I was there on the cliff with her, immobile, unable to tell her of the consequences soon to come. Also the way you used personification to bring the waves alive, made the waves seem as they were intentionally cruel almost warning the speaker that if she jumped it would not end well. I felt the tone changed from calm to urgent as Skylar was taking her last few moments to rub her hands before she jumped to her inevitable doom. I really enjoyed it and feel almost incomplete and yearning to hear more.
Oh man, this piece made my head hurt! In a good way of course, I love how descriptive you were! Using words such as "pointy, cold, black and white checkered", it made the imagery from the piece really pop. I also like how you used similes in order for the audience to understand how the character is feeling. Besides the devices you used, I loved the story. The ending makes me want to know so much more. You left me with so much questions! Why is she in a forest? Is she in heaven? Who took her to where she is? How is she going to survive if she is not dead? Oh my, I do hope you continue this story. It keeps everyone on the edge of their seat, just waiting to know more. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI take delight in reading books and listening to stories, and when deciding to, I base it off the intriguing introduction and enthralling word usage. This hort story utilized both and kept me hooked on till the very end; the imagery and the obscurity of the scenario and especially the surreal ending leaving me with this melancholy atmosphere. It was awesome in "otra palabras."
ReplyDeleteThis story is so interesting mainly because of the all the details you used. You can see everything that's happening in your mind which is what makes it really interesting. I can't imagine what the character went through when she woke up in the middle of the forest. Great job on the story!
ReplyDelete-Shayan Khan (6th Period)
This story was so interesting and relatable to read. I love how it shows how an average teenager can be influenced into doing bad things because at one point in our lives, we all are and sometimes we regret the decisions we made. I loved all the imagery that was put into this and I definitely loved the plot twist at the end. It definitely got me wanting more! Great job!
ReplyDelete-Caitlin Nguyen
Great story it had a lot of imagery which made me feel like i was right there. The ending also made me want to know what happen Great job.
ReplyDeleteby Jesse Jauregui
I like how detail your story was. I liked the part when she woke up but not in a hospital, but in a forest and how you ended the story on what is going to happen next.
ReplyDelete-Luis Toro (period 6)
I really enjoyed the attention to detail. The point of view you chose really worked well with the plot of this story, it made it more interesting and easier to feel the speaker's emotions.
ReplyDeleteThis story was every interesting and I loved the imagery present throughout the entry. As you described Dryad shouting and pressuring Skylar, I could feel a little anger start to stir up in me because Skylar obviously did not want to go through with the jump. The details you provided were very helpful in constructing the world in which Skylar was in and her fear and hesitation. In some moments, I could set myself in Skylar’s place and be her and see and feel as she does in the entry. I fully expected Skylar not to give in, but when she actually went through with the jump I was quite shocked. At the end, when the reader learns that she has lost her memory I felt quite bad for Skylar, but I was also very angry at Dryad. This piece shows that negative consequences of peer pressure. Sometimes children pressure their peers to do very dangerous things that can seriously harm them; and seeing Skylar lose something as precious as her memories definitely fueled my anger.
ReplyDeleteThe theme of death is very very memorable here and it is shown really good in your story your story i well explained and it was scary how it was taking about death mostly all the time
ReplyDeleteKat, I really enjoyed this piece. your details are so specific, they bring the reader right to the perspective of the speaker. I especially liked how the audience is left just as confused as the speaker at the end of the story; wondering if all of their questions will be answered. I was struck by the line "Did it ever really matter in the first place?" I imagine the speaker has lost interest in who they were , and are now more concerned with who they will be. I think it's a great concept.
ReplyDelete-Adan C.
Katheryn,
ReplyDeleteI earnestly enjoyed your narrative: an example of the toxicity in seeking anodyne for our own insecurities in the others' perceptions of us. The entirety of the piece employed descriptive diction but the most favorable part for me was the conclusion, simply because the uncertainty of the character's fate parallels with the character's own uncertainties concerning their state. I ricocheted between fathoming that the protagonist was merely in a comatose state and that the character is experiencing limbo after death. It was an intuitively engaging mystery that was a powerful exertion of your voice as a writer.
–Fernando Mauri, Period 1
We can all relate to the peer pressure, whether it be the settle, underlying type and the blunt in your face type. Either one of those sucks because in the moment you feel as though, you have to do it because there is no other option. The use of imagery and sensory details adds to the story and makes you feel happy for the girls, especially when she comes up for air after jumping, but the satisfaction is quickly swept away just like the wave that completed her fate. You are heart broken by the end of the story because you were rountiing for her, the underdog almost.
ReplyDeleteKayla Fulton
period 1
Your story was very descriptive and had great use of imagery. I could picture all of the action done in my head. This piece of writing was really great!
ReplyDelete-Jobelle Dauz Period 2
Katheryn,
ReplyDeleteThat was amazing! Your use of imagery was perfect. I love when im reading a good book and it all plays out like a mini movie in my head; and that's exactly what your story did for me. I really enjoyed it, and that ending had me in suspense. I'd love to see more
Leasia Spicer
Period 4
Your use of imagery was outstanding. I was able to picture exactly what was happening as the girl is being pressured into jumping down the huge cliff with pointy rocks to her doom. You added so much color which made the characters stand out more. For example, the checkered socks, the green eyes and blue eyes, the purple vans and the yellow colored sweater. I also liked how it was ironic that the speaker mentioned she lost all of her memories at the end but she was able to clearly recall the incident of her jumping off that cliff that was potentially the main cause for her faded memories.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete(re-post)
ReplyDeleteThis story had a lot of vivid descriptions which gave my mind an imagery of Skylar on the edge of the cliff and her cousin egging her to jump off the edge. Your story has many ways in my opinion to be interpreted, the one that stuck out to me was things people do under pressure. The other that caught my attention was that this whole story was just a remembrance of the past. The way you have written it leaves me curious to know what happens.
Margaret Moyer P.5
I enjoyed your concept of amnesia in the speaker after the intentionally jumped from the cliff. I could tell that you wanted your audience to see every color in the scenes as you had imagined it. I would, however, advise you to carefully watch your sentence syntax in order to be clearer about the concepts you are attempting to portray. Great job overall!
ReplyDelete-Thuy Cao
This was a great story!
ReplyDeleteYou had such good description. The imagery presented was also amazing, I could almost visualize everything as I'm reading the story. You also did a great job at describing the peer pressures we sometimes face, especially in these sentences, ""Any day now Skylar!" She yelled once again only adding on to my stress." This was an amazing story with nice detail!
Great job!