"How to Seduce Jack McDonald" by Louis W

As we approach summer, our thoughts often turn to the special someone we hope to spend it with. For some it is Brad Pitt, for others, George Clooney. However, for most normal people, we all are left wishing that we could understand how to reach the heart of the man we all know as Jack McDonald. I have known Jack for years and after a careful analysis of the way his brain works, I have created this foolproof 8 week program to help you get results in your search for companionship this summer. The chances are Jack will ignore any effort to court him because he is already in a relationship, but it’s always good to try.

Week 1: Start establishing contact. Run into him a few times, maybe trip him when he passes by. Do anything that will ensure he knows the difference between you and the tree you sat in to drop acorns on his head. If you are more of a passive person, simply try trapping him for a long period of time and talking to him until you almost annoy him. During this week (and in future weeks as well) always carry a list of conversation starters (such as “did you hear the new Beatles Album?”) so that you are never short of words.

Week 2: Create a friendship on a first name basis. By literally forcing him to say your first name all the time, he will have no choice but to see you as his friend (unless of course he gets a restraining order). Once you accomplish this, you should start complimenting him on everything from his selection of buttoned plaid shirts to his ridiculous British accent. Also, laugh at everything that comes out of his mouth (including, but not limited to: words, food, teeth, grunts, and other miscellaneous noises) because it makes him feel good. We all know that almost everything he says is nonsense but you must laugh anyways. WARNING: you may want to work on your fake laugh because if you don’t have variation in your fake laugh, he will know you are faking.

Week 3: Test his knowledge of you. Every day that you see him this week, introduce yourself with a different name (such as Winston) to make sure that he still knows you. WARNING: This may be the easiest step in the whole process but it could be dangerous because he may actually begin to call you the wrong name.

Week 4: At this point he should be at least somewhat interested in you. Because of this, it is vital that you ignore him for the entirety of week four so that he realizes what he is missing. I do this by yelling Rachel’s name and waving like a maniac to her, which makes Jack realize that he wishes that I was yelling his name and waving like a maniac to him too. WARNING: Do not ignore him excessively as he will move on. A stud-muffin like him has many options and you want to make sure you are number one.

Week 5: Create inside jokes with him that nobody else understands so that you can develop that intimate laugh between the two of you and nobody else because as we all know, when more than two are laughing, it’s just not funny anymore. Also get into a routine of communicating in silence so that you can make those silent times much more interesting (such as if you are in a library or in the middle of a test). WARNING: Do not let anyone else in on this secret code because if two people are secretly communicating with Jack at the same time, he might get mixed signals.

Week 6: Volunteer to do group projects with him and turn everything into a joke. If you are following my program word for word, this will work beautifully. If you have missed a week this could backfire because apparently (no matter how funny you are) being funny all the time is actually not funny. However, if by some miracle this mentally rigorous program hasn’t broken you yet, continue to incorporate your humor in all group assignments (including your inside jokes to continue building the intimate relationship in a more public setting). Another benefit is that if you fail the project, but Jack thinks you are funny, then you get an A+ in the dating category regardless of your actual score (unless it’s in math then it goes into tests and quizzes).WARNING: Your humor may potentially ruin the project and cause the other group members to hate your guts, but for Jack, this is a sacrifice you must be willing to make if you want real results.

Week 7: Make sure that Jack knows you are better than everyone at everything. This may sound arrogant but some people like that, Jack being one of them. Sophomore year Jack had a dream that I won every award on the planet, even the awards that he was supposed to win. If that doesn’t prove that he likes people that demonstrate their greatness every day than I don’t know what will. I prefer to do this by bringing up great things that I have done in the past or things that I will do in the future in every conversation we have. WARNING: Just like with week 6, this will probably annoy everyone else, but Jack will like it and that is all that really matters.

Week 8: This is the home stretch. At this point you are ready for a romantic date. While many “experts” would suggest a romantic expensive dinner and a romantic movie, nothing will get Jack loving you more than some In-N-Out and a movie that neither of you want to see (such as Twilight, yes that happened, no I won’t go into details). Let him pick the day and the time, and even if you are tired, pretend like you really do care about what he tells you while you are on the date.

*The picture above shows what a successful 8 week program should look like.0

Congratulations! You should have successfully courted Jack McDonald. If for some reason this program does not get you the results you want, then you have no chance with Jack and should set your sights on someone more realistic like George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Below I have added some important notes to remember throughout this process.

1)    The Beatles are the best. Doesn’t matter if you know who they are or if you even like bugs, the Beatles are the best thing to ever happen to Jack since he met me, so keep that in mind.

2)    Summer is almost here so you will have to begin my program immediately.

3)    There is a ninth week, but you will have to pay $4.30 to find out what it is. In the meantime, I will allow you to guess what it is because after all, if you’re with Jack for 8 weeks you shouldn’t need me anymore.

4)    No refunds if you purchase week 9 because you can’t unread something.