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Monday, May 5, 2014

"How to Seduce Jack McDonald" by Louis W


As we approach summer, our thoughts often turn to the special someone we hope to spend it with. For some it is Brad Pitt, for others, George Clooney. However, for most normal people, we all are left wishing that we could understand how to reach the heart of the man we all know as Jack McDonald. I have known Jack for years and after a careful analysis of the way his brain works, I have created this foolproof 8 week program to help you get results in your search for companionship this summer. The chances are Jack will ignore any effort to court him because he is already in a relationship, but it’s always good to try.
Week 1: Start establishing contact. Run into him a few times, maybe trip him when he passes by. Do anything that will ensure he knows the difference between you and the tree you sat in to drop acorns on his head. If you are more of a passive person, simply try trapping him for a long period of time and talking to him until you almost annoy him. During this week (and in future weeks as well) always carry a list of conversation starters (such as “did you hear the new Beatles Album?”) so that you are never short of words.
Week 2: Create a friendship on a first name basis. By literally forcing him to say your first name all the time, he will have no choice but to see you as his friend (unless of course he gets a restraining order). Once you accomplish this, you should start complimenting him on everything from his selection of buttoned plaid shirts to his ridiculous British accent. Also, laugh at everything that comes out of his mouth (including, but not limited to: words, food, teeth, grunts, and other miscellaneous noises) because it makes him feel good. We all know that almost everything he says is nonsense but you must laugh anyways. WARNING: you may want to work on your fake laugh because if you don’t have variation in your fake laugh, he will know you are faking.
Week 3: Test his knowledge of you. Every day that you see him this week, introduce yourself with a different name (such as Winston) to make sure that he still knows you. WARNING: This may be the easiest step in the whole process but it could be dangerous because he may actually begin to call you the wrong name.
Week 4: At this point he should be at least somewhat interested in you. Because of this, it is vital that you ignore him for the entirety of week four so that he realizes what he is missing. I do this by yelling Rachel’s name and waving like a maniac to her, which makes Jack realize that he wishes that I was yelling his name and waving like a maniac to him too. WARNING: Do not ignore him excessively as he will move on. A stud-muffin like him has many options and you want to make sure you are number one.
Week 5: Create inside jokes with him that nobody else understands so that you can develop that intimate laugh between the two of you and nobody else because as we all know, when more than two are laughing, it’s just not funny anymore. Also get into a routine of communicating in silence so that you can make those silent times much more interesting (such as if you are in a library or in the middle of a test). WARNING: Do not let anyone else in on this secret code because if two people are secretly communicating with Jack at the same time, he might get mixed signals.
Week 6: Volunteer to do group projects with him and turn everything into a joke. If you are following my program word for word, this will work beautifully. If you have missed a week this could backfire because apparently (no matter how funny you are) being funny all the time is actually not funny. However, if by some miracle this mentally rigorous program hasn’t broken you yet, continue to incorporate your humor in all group assignments (including your inside jokes to continue building the intimate relationship in a more public setting). Another benefit is that if you fail the project, but Jack thinks you are funny, then you get an A+ in the dating category regardless of your actual score (unless it’s in math then it goes into tests and quizzes).WARNING: Your humor may potentially ruin the project and cause the other group members to hate your guts, but for Jack, this is a sacrifice you must be willing to make if you want real results.
Week 7: Make sure that Jack knows you are better than everyone at everything. This may sound arrogant but some people like that, Jack being one of them. Sophomore year Jack had a dream that I won every award on the planet, even the awards that he was supposed to win. If that doesn’t prove that he likes people that demonstrate their greatness every day than I don’t know what will. I prefer to do this by bringing up great things that I have done in the past or things that I will do in the future in every conversation we have. WARNING: Just like with week 6, this will probably annoy everyone else, but Jack will like it and that is all that really matters.
Week 8: This is the home stretch. At this point you are ready for a romantic date. While many “experts” would suggest a romantic expensive dinner and a romantic movie, nothing will get Jack loving you more than some In-N-Out and a movie that neither of you want to see (such as Twilight, yes that happened, no I won’t go into details). Let him pick the day and the time, and even if you are tired, pretend like you really do care about what he tells you while you are on the date.
*The picture above shows what a successful 8 week program should look like.0
Congratulations! You should have successfully courted Jack McDonald. If for some reason this program does not get you the results you want, then you have no chance with Jack and should set your sights on someone more realistic like George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Below I have added some important notes to remember throughout this process.
1)    The Beatles are the best. Doesn’t matter if you know who they are or if you even like bugs, the Beatles are the best thing to ever happen to Jack since he met me, so keep that in mind.
2)    Summer is almost here so you will have to begin my program immediately.
3)    There is a ninth week, but you will have to pay $4.30 to find out what it is. In the meantime, I will allow you to guess what it is because after all, if you’re with Jack for 8 weeks you shouldn’t need me anymore.
4)    No refunds if you purchase week 9 because you can’t unread something.

45 comments:

  1. Louis, this brought back memories of freshman English when you and Jack used to spend the whole period making lame jokes. I couldn't stop laughing at all of your many dating strategies. But, my favorite part of the submission would definitely have to be the picture of you two - I can't believe how young you guys look!! The disclosures at the end also had me crying. Nice job!!
    -Christina Tapia

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  2. That was really funny! lol i don't even know who jack is but ill try it anyways aha. i like how interesting you made it and i wasn't bored and made me want to keep reading overall grea job keep up the good work.
    _ariana jimenez

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  3. Louis, as soon as I read the title of this submission, I knew I was in for a laugh. And you did not disappoint! This was entertaining from start to finish, and I found myself reading faster and faster to get through the 8-week process and know all the steps simply because you got the best of my curiosity. I know Jack will totally appreciate the humor in this, even if you did reveal the secrets to his heart. Just remember, when poor Jack is buried in a pile of people desperately following this process in the hopes of entrapping him, you'll be to blame. Great job! :)

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  4. Oh my goodness Louis, this story made me laugh! I can just imagine you running around trying to seduce Jack, like a twelve year old stalks Justin Bieber. I love your use of satire, which gave this silly guide lots of character! Great job! -Emily Wilt per 1

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  5. Louis, this is probably the greatest blog entry I have read all year. You are witty and insightful, and your program has a track record of success that is a country mile long. Nice work!

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  6. This is a very nice 8 week plan to get to know Jack. Great use of detail and great steps fro what you need to do to get to know him. The notes at the end are really helpful. Great Job.

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  7. Louis! First of all, LOL. Considering that this is the last month of blogs and there aren't anymore to come.. I could honestly say that this has to be my favorite blog of the school year (excluding mine of course.) This was pretty hilarious. Of all the things you could have written about, you decide to write an instructional guide about seducing Jack McDonald. The title itself made me laugh. I was just scrolling through the website and read "How to Seduce Jack McDonald." I didn't even hesitate to read it. I seriously liked all of the steps and how you added warnings to them. From the part about introducing yourself to him with a different name everyday to watching Twilight with him, I just never stopped laughing. The picture you added just made the post even better. Considering that I'm not on the lookout for a special someone, I will be sure to recommend this article to a few friends of mine. haha. Good Job!
    - Tia Basa

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  8. Aw! This was so endearing. I love how you included the picture because it made this piece all the more personal. I thought that this piece was hunerous and it really showed your personality in it as well as your relationship with Jack. I loved it :)

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  9. Louis this is hilarious! I love your spin on the unspoken typical teenage girl method to be with her crush. Your serious tone throughout the whole piece really set it off as being a laugh out loud entry. The picture of you and Jack is absolutely the best! I also liked how you had the disclosures at the end, I could just picture the commercial and the narrating guy speaking very fast so that no one can understand him. You made my day man!

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  10. Let me guess, week nine is making sure you follow Jack home so that you can get to know him better outside of school, in a more casual setting. Louis this was great! It had me laughing the whole time. Great job.

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  11. One of my favorite pieces. The mocking of those how to get a boyfriend articles is hilarious, and add to that the fact that i now know how to seduce Jack makes this perfect! Good Stuff.
    -Arturo Ayala

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  12. This blog entry was hilarious. I love your witty sense of humor. This was so eye catching that it was the first one I read. The clichés that you included such as the "8 week plan" were hilarious. The use of inversion of expectation was obviously present and used masterfully.

    Joel Guzman

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  13. I don't know what's more funny; your submission or the fact that you commented on your own piece, giving yourself kudos for how wonderful it is LOL! But hey, I don't blame you, this definitely was great! It had me laughing from start to finish! With that being said, great job Louis! I may or may not need to sign up for week 9, but if I do, I'll be sure to let you know. (:

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  15. Thank you Louis for your comedic genius. The whole concept of this post was ridiculous enough to work and entertain. 
    I find the whole concept interesting, and it shows us how well you must know him...especially seeing how you two are always goofing around & making jokes in the back of the class during 4th. 
    You did a fantastic job at keeping your readers entertained and wanting to read on. I couldn't stop scrolling on my iPhone to read even though my eyes are literally burning because of the desire to sleep. I think the picture and the content after is my favorite portion. It makes me wonder if this was sort of a walk down memory lane for you. 
    Anyways, my lack of sleep means this post deserves appraisal. Wonderfully written. Great attention to detail and the diction was also on point. 
    P.S. I loved the little side note of trying to make some bank from your readers. Nice try. 

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  16. I wish we could put emojis on our blog comments because I would definitely put a clapping emoji along with a laughing one. I honestly want to say THANK YOU for being so hilarious. I remember freshmen year when you and Jack would crack me up, while you irritated Mackenzie, but we know you guys are just absolutely funny! Good job!
    Taylor Robles

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  17. Louis this was great! I was practically dead laughing when I was reading it, the amount of comedic elements in this piece was perfect to say the least. The picture at the end ties it all in and is perfect. Good Job Louis!

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  18. I'm currently laughing right now it was so funny. I love having you and jack in my english class. you both really lighten up the mood and this piece captured everything in one. I love how you choose another person to do your piece on very creative.

    -Erin Napoleon

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  19. Hilarious piece couldn't stop reading! Loved every part of the process but my favorite were the tips at the end and the $4.30 for week 9! Wonderful job wish there were more to read!
    Rachael Rubalcava

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  20. This is a very funny and clever piece Louis. and the bromance between you and Jack is quite heart warming. a very well organized intructional piece with excellent advice. Thank you.
    - Justin Myers

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  21. Louis, this is amazing! As soon as I saw the title on the side of the browser I clicked on it immediately knowing I was in for a good laugh! I definitely needed this after many blog posts about the reality of graduation. I love how you chose to write about something so unique, this blog entry is seriously one of a kind! And I truly admire how much thought and time you put into this entire piece, I know it couldn't have been easy! Great Job!! ☺

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  22. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. I have to tell you something Louis--something that might ruin your world, but the Beatles have broken up years ago. I'm terribly sorry, but you are wrongfully guiding people to make fools of themselves and have Jack mourn the fact that they're never coming up with a new album instead of making him intrigued by whoever is starting this conversation. Instead of seducing Jack, I think this article is giving directions of how to make him hate you. I'm pretty sure you wrote this with a second agenda in mind; you don't want anybody else close to him. And, well, you know what, I get it. He is an awesome guy. This entry is my favorite out of the year. It made me genuinely laugh. Nice job!

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  23. Louis you did an amazing job with this piece! What captured my attention was creative title. I really liked how you found a unique way to show everyone how much you appreciate your friendship with Jack. It was very descriptive and comical. Great job.

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  24. Oh gosh Louis this was hilarious, i loved your use of comedic elements it made the story very enjoyable- Haley Townes

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  25. Oh my gosh... this had me laughing the whole time. I only hope that when I try to win Jack over, it will go as swimmingly as your picture projects. I think it's going well considering he knows my name. It was very witty and insightful - excellent advice! Good job!

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  26. Louis this is hilarious!! This blog entry is so different and unique from the other submissions and I loved it! I love how you know so many of the little details about Jack which helped make this tutorial even better! I was laughing throughout the whole thing! Great Job!
    -Bailey Lynch

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  27. Wow, this is classic Louis. this piece had me really laughing. all the images and comedic elements made this very enjoyable. However, I must say that I am a tad bit jealous. Not of you because you have Jack, but of Jack who has you. When will you write a "How to" on winning over Tyler Reinhold and his socks? Great job.

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  28. Louis, Louis, Louis..You never fail to amuse me. THIS IS POINT-BLANK THE FUNNIEST BLOG SUBMISSION I'VE READ THIS WHOLE YEAR! LOUIS, THIS WAS JUST HILLARIOUS! The satirical elements in this submission were on point, it made this how-to even funnier than I thought it would be. Absolutely awesome job Louis!

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  29. This was hilarious! Couldn't stop laughing the whole way through. I've been wondering how to woo jack for years and now i know how. Great Job

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  30. This was very funny, and didn't disappoint as I expected nothing less from reading the title. The insight you provided was very well explained and may come in handy someday. Great use of comedic and satirical devices.
    -Cody Molla p. 4

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  31. This was pure genius. It was totally risky and super entertaining; I've never read anything like it. I literally could not stop laughing throughout the entire entry. Fantastic job. :)

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  32. This was just so great. Absolutely hilarious but serious and heartfelt at the same time. This brings back a lot of memories of freshmen year for me and new friends that I had made and hits close to home. Great job.

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  33. Amazing. Seriously, this was a joy to read. Lots and lots of comical satire at play here, and it really creates a lasting effect. Great writing!

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  34. Hmm... You've done your research well Louis. I also commend you for all the secret inside jokes sprinkled throughout your guide that only I will enjoy! Awesome submission man! I am embarrassed AND flattered to be the subject of your piece. Love you man!

    Jack McDonald
    Per. 4

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  35. This pains me to say this, but this was actually really funny and I've read it twice now and I'm still laughing haha. I'm glad you were able to successfully court Jack and it is so selfless of you to share your tips with us, this is definitely a great win for society. The picture was great for proving that your program really does work!

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  36. I enjoyed this blog tremendously. It shows diversity as well as a sneak peak on his to win Jack McDonald heart (if true). This blog is hilarious in a sense that makes the audience feel well connected to the speaker because Jack is someone familiar to them and we know him well enough to understand the comedic comments mentioned in this piece. My favorite week was week 5; you discuss the technique of incorporating inside Jones with Jack to create an intimate relationship with him. I think that rule applies not only to Jack but to everyone who is in need of making new friends. Have an inside joke to create laughter. The secrets between two friends will always be the funniest.

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  37. This was very funny! DOUBLE THUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBS UPPPPPPPPPP!

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  38. This is a very funny entry. Your writing really captures the friendship between you and Jack

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  39. This blog is great. It is probably my favorite blog of the whole year. You had me laughing out loud throughout the whole piece. The picture at the end tied everything up nicely. Great job. - Oscar Salazar

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  40. I laughed out loud at most of this. I've known Jack since we were in 6th grade so a lot of this I can visualize it clearly in my head and I think that's what made it an even better post. I enjoyed this entry for many reasons. 1. the freaking title. It caught my eye and made me literally LOL. 2. your long list of reasons with specific details about how to get Jack to notice you. 3. $4.30 thats all I have to say. Good job Louis, this was a hilarious and creative post. Cute pic btw.

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  41. This might just be the best thing I've ever read in the history of things I've read. Thank you so much for this, you literary genius. I hope that someday you and Jack find your way back to each other and he realizes what he's missing out on.

    I really apologize if this comment was weird hahahahha. You deserve it after this blog entry, though. So I think if we had to compare who was weirder in this scenario, I think we both know who would win.

    -Chelsea Martinez (Period 1)

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  42. luis this was great lol. i think its funny but also true haha jack is so easy to become friends with and just getting him to notice you is all it takes haha loved it lol

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  43. My god. I know the secret to true happiness now. I'll be sure to start the plan right away.
    In all seriousness, though, it's so fun to see that you and Jack are such good friends. I always see you two joke around in class, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised to find out that you actually carried this plan out, albeit in a less, um flamboyant, fashion. This was hilarious to read, and it was definitely one of a kind. I doubt anyone could have prepared me any better on the subject.
    Great job!

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  44. I've known Jack since elementary school and I'm pretty sure he still hates my guts. The fact that you won his love in 8 weeks is astonishing. I've been trying for about 10 years and have gotten nowhere.. I hate to say it but I think I'm Jackzoned.

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  45. i am definitely trying this program out! very funny and entertaining louis. i like how you included warnings so i dont mess it up haha. i will keep you informed on the results!

    Alan Medina
    Period 1

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