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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

"Unknown Providence" by Malik H


Warmth. Dripping down his tattered brow. The disorientation deprives him of visibility
and comprehension of the sirens he hears. “Hey you there!” As he wakes from his unknown
slumber. The royal blue shirt and bright light stand in his face. Perhaps a king come to wake him
from his rehabilitation to congratulate him on his victory in battle, as if he were a knight. The
policeman lightly taps his cheek and asks, “Put your hands up, he is armed be careful!” The
young man suddenly wakes to himself with nothing but shorts on and a .357 magnum in hand.
No idea of his identification he sees a girl, a bystander watching the scene on the other side of
the street. “ Miss! Do you know what is going on.” The young man approaches her as the cops
point to fire after a warning of “Stop!” The girl begins to run with the young man following her.
The policeman and his deputy chase them in vain due to their middle aged out of shape
physique. The young man stops the girl as she is out of breath and asks, “Do you know who
I am?” The girl responds saying, “I don’t know you?! Why don’t you check that weird phone in
your hand creep?” as she runs away. A phone with a circular identification scanner on the back
with the label “Savior” on it. He opens the phone and dials the only number in his contacts,
“Oracle”. An animatronic  voice responds saying, “Hello sir. How may I assist you today?” The
Young man responds with a assertive, “Who are you !?” The voice explains detailed, “I am
Someone who’s identity will remain unknown to you, but I work for the Supporter. My identity
Is very much irrelevant to you I assure you. Now sir what can I do for you today?” The young
man stands confused and asks, “Who is this Supporter and who am I?” Oracle responds saying,
“Why, the Supporter is the one who gave you and the other 9 saviors these phones and made
you a part of his grand experiment.” The young man asks with strong conviction, “What
experiment, and what are these phones. I have never seen this brand before.” Oracle responds
saying, “These are special phones that play a huge role in the Supporter’s experiment which are
opened only by your thumb print. These phone contain the information to a bank account in
name containing $10,000,000,000 to use at your leisure. Your account is under the name of
Ket Ferguson.” Kit vexed by this new found anomaly asks, “Wait! Why do I have all of this
money  And who am I exactly and---“, being cut short Oracle says, “The money was given to you
to Change the world. You are a Savior and must use this money to better the world. If the
money count reaches 0 then the Reaper will appear and take your life. As for who you are, you
are Ket Ferguson, 23 years old. You have purged the world of all people over 55 to create the
leaders of the new young world. We hope you continue your service as a Savior. Goodbye.”


21 comments:

  1. Wow what a creative concept. Your story involved mystery and a futuristic or alternate world feel. This would be an interesting topic for a book and I was actually hoping the story would go on so, I could learn more. I like how throughout your piece the reader was in the same state of confusion as the main character. Good job.

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  2. This piece is very interesting! At first, I was confused about what was going on but as I continued reading, I kind of got this feeling that you were in a different dimension, in which it was up to you to fix things. This piece is very creative and very fun to read! I did not get bored through any part of it and I loved how your piece caught my attention right away. Good job!!

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  3. Besides the fact that you hijacked the concept from "Eden of the East," this was a pretty incredible story. You managed to compress everything into a concise tale written beautifully. The story uses a lot of sensory imagery which creates a visceral reaction from the reader. The audience feels just as confused as the speaker, creating an excellent effect. -Emily Wilt per 1.

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  4. Alright, this story was definitely freaky!! At first I thought the young man had been framed, but come to find out, he just murdered every senior citizen on earth! I feel like this would make a good pilot episode to some sci-fi show. I love all the secrecy associated with the
    "Supporter." It made me curious as to his real identity and motives. Well done!

    -Christina Tapia

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  5. This was so crazy! There was so much suspense, and everything was so mysterious. I was extremely intrigued at what Oracle was, and it was very interesting to see how it seemed like everyone knew what he was and what was going on, except the main character himself. You should definitely expand this, and I could totally see this turning into a series!

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  6. This was a very fun read. It would have been amazing if something like this was written into a novel. It kinda gave me a Matrix vibe and was enjoying every single bit of it. The suspense, confusion, and unanswered questions kept on the edge of my seat. I mean, I wanted to know more about what was going on! I wanted to know what the character would have done after that moment. I only wish this was longer but like every good book, it ends with a cliffhanger to keep you wandering and let you, the reader, determine what happens next. Good job!

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  7. Great description of the story from the beginning. It pulled me right into the story as if I was in different world. Great job in giving the same mind as the character to the reader. good job.

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  8. A really intriguing piece. The short plot line is rather unique. I wish it could have been longer so that myself and other readers could see what kind of world that he had created. Well done

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  9. This work was very well written and it was also a very creative topic. There was a lot of confusion throughout this whole story and i loved it. Keep up with the good work!

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  10. This is an amazing mystery and an awesome cliff hanger, the beginning is very confusing but made me want to read more for more clarity, but it just got more mysterious, making me read even faster.
    -Anthony Soto per.6

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  11. that was a big move there when they ran away from the cops good job on this story was enjoyable to read
    -jakob cadena

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  12. Malik! How could you just end the story like that!? I have all these questions that I want answered. What does Ket do with the money? Does he end up spending it all? Does he actually use it to better the world? Where are the rest of the saviors? This blog of yours really caught my interest. I really liked the mysterious vibe you brought to this piece! The fact that the savior, Ket, doesn't remember anything, makes me wonder what kind of experiment was done on him. You used great imagery in describing the policemen and their "royal blue shirt." Overall, good job!
    - Tia Basa

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  13. Malik! How could you just end the story like that!? I have all these questions that I want answered. What does Ket do with the money? Does he end up spending it all? Does he actually use it to better the world? Where are the rest of the saviors? This blog of yours really caught my interest. I really liked the mysterious vibe you brought to this piece! The fact that the savior, Ket, doesn't remember anything, makes me wonder what kind of experiment was done on him. You used great imagery in describing the policemen and their "royal blue shirt." Overall, good job!
    - Tia Basa

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  14. Wow Malik all i can say is well done. the dreamlike state in the beginning flowed well into the confusion of the next scene, all in all very good transitions. the fact that at the end it says "purged" leaves much to the imagination and i love those types of stories.

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  15. Woah! I did not expect the whole "You have purged the world of all people over 55" part! I mean, when I started reading I thought maybe this poor guy was framed! In using diction to portray his confusion, you caused the reader to feel pity for him and that just made the truth about who he is even more surprising. The imagery you used in the story was great because it helped the reader to sense even more confusion in the story simply because there were cops and it was during the night. This was honestly a super cool plot for a much longer story! When I finished I had a ton of questions! The diction you used throughout the story was great too especially in choosing the character names. From supporter to oracle the names in this story screamed revolution and conspiracy and made the story all the more exciting. Oracle did this especially because it sounds as if this character is scary and all-knowing and we are never even introduced to him Great use of organization to keep the piece clear and easy to follow. That really allowed the interesting and confusing plot to shine. Great Job!

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  16. This was weird. I definitey thought he was intoxicated and ended up in an ugly situation but instead he killed everybody's grandparents and doesn't even remember doing it. It was creative and the litte cliff-hanger at the end was pretty cruel. Good Job though!

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  17. I LOVED this piece so much! It reminds of an anime I watch called "Eden of the East". The concept is so intriguing because not only are the characters confused, but the readers are confused as well! It's the confusion and mystery that makes me want to read more and find out, "Who the heck is this guy?!" Each sentence was nicely detailed and filled with immense suspense. Awesome job!

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  18. I cannot draw anything but after some instructions i might be able to dra a little better . your steps were very detailes and organized
    -abigail rich

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  19. Whoa, this was trippy. As I was reading I started to see the end coming and I was wondering how you would end it. The problem is, that was not the end, or at least it shouldn't be. You should really think about expanding upon this idea and make it even bigger like a novel or something, well done!

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  20. I completely agree with Emily. Only the group of extreme nerds would understand that this sounds like Eden of the East, and I know you're part of the group! Very well written story though, I really enjoyed it. It was very detailed and I was intrigued the whole way through. great job!

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  21. Woah... I did not expect that ending... Huh... that means that the cops must be close to death. I really liked the "in media res" used in the beginning to help confuse the reader as well. The story itself gave me a kind of sci-fi/Bourne series/Eagle Eye feeling and that just made it ten times as interesting. I can see this becoming a movie... good use of imagery and good use of suspense! Kudos!

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