“Hi! Welcome to Jessie’s! My name
is Lily and I’ll be your waitress for the night, can I start you off with
something… uhhh hello?” Lily stopped mid-sentence because she noticed her
customer wasn’t really paying too much attention to her.
As he snapped out of his daze, she
was taken aback by the beauty of the man in front of her yet she couldn’t help
but feel a pang of sadness when she looked into his hazel eyes and noticed the
sadness that monopolized his expression. “Hey what’s wrong? You’re looking a little
sad.” She inquired.
As he looked up, he too, admired
the face of the girl who stared back at him with a care in her eyes that he
hadn’t felt from anyone in a while, “Actually, I’m not feeling too great but
I’ll be fine. Wouldn’t want to keep you from work anyway.”
“I’m off in 20 minutes. You wouldn’t be bothering me at all.
That is if you want to though?” she offered again hesitantly.
“Ok,” he said as a hint of smile graced his face, “I
wouldn’t mind that at all.”
After her shift was over, Lily and
the boy walked down to the light house and talked for hours. The boy’s name was
Jake and he told Lily how he was shipping out to Afghanistan the next morning.
Before the night was over, he asked if he could write her while he was on
deployment because he had no one else to write to.
They wrote back and forth for a few
months and they found themselves growing fairly fond of each other; he would
tell her how hard things could get and then she would assure him that it would
get better; she would tell him about her stresses and he would tell her how
strong she was. They helped each other get through trying times. But after
about 6 months, Jake stopped replying to Lily’s letters and although she
stopped receiving them, Lily continued to send one letter every week.
August turned to
September which turned to October and she still got no reply. One night at the
local high school’s football game, Lily sat in the stands and listened to the
announcer as the choir finished singing the National Anthem, “Would everyone please
bow their heads in a moment of silence for a fallen soldier.” Everyone in the
stands respectfully bowed their heads in silence yet nobody shed a tear but
that didn’t really matter Lily alone cried enough for everyone.
Amazing story. This tells us about true story's that happen to people that help our country, great read.
ReplyDeleteWow. Great story. The story really creates this tone of awe-inspiring and at the same time touching and saddening. This story really paints a picture of what the the service men and women of our country are going through everyday and it really makes realize the work and effort they put in, in order to fight for our freedom. The story is almost out of a love story/movie between a girl and a soldier that has just deployed to service, and the events that happened in the story, like the sending of the letters and the service man killed in action, really makes the plot of the story almost as a plot to a movie. Great job on this piece.
ReplyDeleteAraybia, this was beautiful. You did an amazing job of establishing such depth of feeling within so few words. Your narration of the correspondence between Jake and Lily seemed to perfectly illustrate the reality of so many relationships impacted by the hardships of war. I love how you alluded to Jake's death but did not fully address it until the end. The lack of emotion on behalf of the other football attendees clearly brought up our failure as a society to truly appreciate the sacrifice of our soldiers. This piece was pure gold, nice job girl!
ReplyDelete-Christina Tapia
Awesome job. I enjoyed how you introduced your story and put dialogue in it. Your story was definitely the opposite of boring. The end was heartbreaking but seemed realistic. I liked the friendship between Lily and Jake and how they were there for one another. You wrote this piece very well and it shows how strong of a writer you are.
ReplyDeleteOmg! I seriously wanted to like cry after reading this.. your story was amazing! Your use of dialogue and chronological setup really brought your story to life and highlighted the hardships of soldiers and their loved ones. One of my favorite parts was when Lily and Jake meet for the first time at the diner and suddenly have a sort of epiphany about each other. I loved how your story not only brought awareness to the sacrifice of soldiers but create a short love story. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOh no! How incredibly sweet and sad at the same time. The ending made me a bit teary eyed. I felt terrible for both of them... But in a way, I'm glad they found each other.
ReplyDeleteI loved your writing... It was very mature and I was instantly fond of both characters even without some sort of long, drawn out back story. I felt like, although they might not have had the longest time to spend together, they were very connected nonetheless.
Great job once again!
Your piece was written so beautifully, in such a short entry I watched an entire story unfold. I loved the characters and the descriptions of each and the feelings that they have is made so apparent. Everything in the flashfiction was executed with such ease it seems, every description is able to be seen and every emotion could be felt. Absolutely wonderful!
ReplyDelete-Rachael Rubalcava
I'm so sad.. I had a feeling he had passed away, but I was hoping for the best. Your story was done beautifully! The dialogue and the feelings shown just made your story so amazing! I loved how you showed that Lilly would take everyone's emotions just to show what she felt for him!
ReplyDeleteTaylor Robles
This is amazing! I really enjoyed the plot and the dialogue that you incorporated, and I was able to see how genuine Lily and Jake's friendship was. I was sad at the end when he died, but you did a beautiful job at showing how society doesn't take account the sacrifice that our soldiers make everyday. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAraybia, I really loved your story! It was interesting, and even though it ended sadly with his death, kept me interested the entire time. It actually reminds me of a song called "American Soldier" which is one of my favorites. It made me love your piece even more! I wish it continued on further and I could have seen their story in detail (which sadly isn't possible with flash fiction). Great job!
ReplyDelete- Jessica Berrie
This was really cute. I think you did a really good job. I liked how you added the dialogue and for some reason I read it in a Southern accent lol but it was really cute because you could tell they almost fell in love with each other and her love for him was everlasting. it was really cute the way you incorporated the fact that she cried for everyone. Great Job -Daijah Outley
ReplyDeleteThis was such a heart - touching piece. This helped me recognize that there are so many people risking their lives to protect us, yet I don't give them the respect and credit they truly deserve. It definitely opened my eyes and reminded me once again the every individual serving our nation has families and friends who care for them. Thank you for this amazing piece.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story and it really had me hoping these two characters would have a happy ending! You had me all excited that these two were going to find true love, but you threw a curve ball when he ended up dying. With your sense of imagery, I felt like I was sitting next to Lily when she broke out crying! The sudden shift of tone was drastic and it left me staggered with figuring out what happened to Jake. You made me care for the characters and that is hard to do.. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a heartbreaking story... I couldn't help but get hopeful that Jake would come back to Lily and that everything would be ok because of how you described the importance of both the characters in each other's lives. When I read that Jake stopped writing I knew the worst had probably happened and my heart went out to Lily, especially when I read she kept writing letters.. the ending you chose was great because it showed the place that Lily was in perfectly. Because of the imagery in the ending we understand how important Jake was to Lily and also how she is alone in mourning him and has to go through her struggles alone without him. Your choice of words to describe Lily at the very end and the emphasis you put on how much she cried made me feel as though she would never fully get over Jake and that she would always feel isolated. Not only was this a great story, it was also extremely relevant to today and that made it even better .. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteThis is nice. In the beginning the couple's relationship is very fantastical and unrealistic. I don't believe that people can feel a connection that deep in so short of a time and then receive that feeling of obligation to continuously write to a stranger for the next couple of months. I liked how you didn't even stress the nature if their relationship which increases the your audience to everyone who has lost someone to war, not just a lover to lover situation. It's the vagueness and ambiguity of this that makes this piece enthralling to me.
ReplyDeleteThe feels.
ReplyDeleteLily and Jake. This piece is realistic. This is something that can AND HAS happened in life.
At first, I was taken aback at the fact that they were mere strangers, but as the piece progressed, their relationship progressed and blossomed into something beautiful. I was sad when Jake stopped replying since, as the reader, you pretty much know what that means.
And what was assumed was true, Jake passed away. SADNESS.
"Lily alone cried for everyone." THAT SENTENCE. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. Such a strong sentence because it is so true for those who have lost a loved one who fights to protect their country.
The use of dialogue in the beginning had a tone of curiosity and eagerness for Jake and Lily to get to know each other and the transition to a narration in third person gave a more bittersweet tone.
Loved this read!
The feels.
ReplyDeleteLily and Jake. This piece is realistic. This is something that can AND HAS happened in life.
At first, I was taken aback at the fact that they were mere strangers, but as the piece progressed, their relationship progressed and blossomed into something beautiful. I was sad when Jake stopped replying since, as the reader, you pretty much know what that means.
And what was assumed was true, Jake passed away. SADNESS.
"Lily alone cried for everyone." THAT SENTENCE. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. Such a strong sentence because it is so true for those who have lost a loved one who fights to protect their country.
The use of dialogue in the beginning had a tone of curiosity and eagerness for Jake and Lily to get to know each other and the transition to a narration in third person gave a more bittersweet tone.
Loved this read!
THE FEELS. This piece is realistic. This can AND HAS happened to people in real life.
ReplyDeleteAt first I was taken aback at the fact that mere strangers could be so curious with one another, or maybe it was true love.
But as the piece progressed, the relationship between Jake and Lily blossomed into something beautiful.
I was moved by this piece.
The tone of this piece transitioned from a lighthearted tone to a bittersweet tone once the format of the story went from dialogue to a third person narrative. Which I believe was very necessary for such a strong piece like this.
"Lily alone cried for everyone." THAT QUOTE MADE ME WANT TO CRY WITH HER. It's such a strong sentence with the sense that this was done countless times by loved ones who had lost their loved ones who went out to protect and serve their country.
Oh goodness, I loved this piece. Great job!
Awh !!! This is so sad- I could really feel the pain that Lily feels with your use of pathos, espically in the line, " Everyone in the stands respectfully bowed their heads in silence yet nobody shed a tear but that didn’t really matter Lily alone cried enough for everyone". This shows how much our soliders sacrifice. Good Job!
ReplyDelete