Heavy gasps entered the atmosphere
at a rapid pace. Insecure thoughts roamed her mind and tears leaked down her
face. She quietly rethought what she planned to do, but all the hatred and
helplessness welled up and filled her heart with pain. She breathed slowly,
took a step forward and while the initial rush of weightlessness hit, her
someone pulled her backwards. Squealing, she relaxed herself, and fell into the
arms of her best friend Blake.
She rotated herself to stare at him
and flinched with the anger that radiated off him. His lips moved rapidly but
she could not read them. He gesticulated wildly, but she could not understand
him. His lips stopped moving. He inhaled; exhaled slowly. He started signing to
her, moving his fingers into a question: “What are you doing?”
Glaring angrily, she motioned back:
“Nothing… why are you here?”
“I knew you’d be here. You hate
this building. Why are you doing this?”
“Because, this is the only option!
I’ve watched my father go to jail and my mother drink herself to death, finally
deciding to overdose on pills with me in the next room. My aunt and uncles
don’t like me and my grandparents are in a home. The house will be sold and
I’ll be put into a foster home. There’s nothing else for me to do. I’m not
smart, I don’t have anything going for me in school and I’m useless.” She
walked back towards the ledge and he lunged for her. He signed rapidly.
“Thalia! Stop being ridiculous! If
you died, people would be severely upset. There are hundreds of people that
would miss you. Your future husband will never meet you. Your kids won’t even
exist. I’ll become a hermit and live in reclusion because I won’t have you to
drag me outside of my house. No more Saturday drives to yogurt shops or Friday
movie nights. If you do this… you’re affecting other people, too. As well as
me…” Throughout his silent speech spoken only with hand motions, he placed
himself between her and the ledge.
Thalia looked up at her best friend
and quietly wept. She signed: “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. Everything
is just… it’s just a lot to take in and I feel so alone…” She wiped her tears
away.
Blake quietly hugged her. She sobbed louder
and sank to the floor, dragging Blake with her. He calmly held her as she
released everything she held in. They sat there for a few minutes, Blake
consoling Thalia and Thalia breaking down against her best friend.
After a few moments, he tapped her
shoulder and she glanced up. He motioned to her, “Let’s go home. We’ll talk
about everything later, okay? We’ll fix everything.” He smiled at her and she
nodded back. “Good… now let’s get off the roof, the air up here sucks.” She
remembered that he hates heights. They stand off and walk arm and arm back to
the house.
This story was very touching and I can truly feel the pain that Thalia felt. This story is relatable to all the people who went through many hardships and rough times in their lives. I felt very touched by this story and I really like the character named Blake. He is such a sweet friend. I also really like the ending, which emphasizes how we should not give up and that everything will be alright in the end.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a fan fiction. I Love it! I kind of wish it was longer just because I want more of a build up, more of a tug on my emotions. Your story was rather well written and appealed to my fan girl side :)
ReplyDelete-Lauren Williams
I really enjoyed reading your piece. You were able to bring the characters to life and I liked the way that you paid homage to the minority of the deaf community. Not only were the characters relatable in the sense that the character Thalia struggled with problems teenagers may face today, but I believe that you were also able to show that deaf teenagers also struggle with the same problems as other teenagers do, which might actually escape people sometimes. This piece also touched me in the way that it reminded me of how grateful I am to those who have helped me during the times when I am feeling the most down :)
ReplyDeleteI thought that the story was very intruiging. It made me want to read more. I also loved her choice of using dialog i thought that it really contributed to the story.
ReplyDelete- Alexandra Urena
This story was very impacting. The images were very realistic and you instantly dove into the climax of the scene. The dialogue was fitting for I'm assuming it's high school students but very affective. I enjoyed the story very much.
ReplyDelete-Kyra Young :)
i loved reading this peice...its very sad but i loved how the blake knew where she would be....everyone needs a friend like that
ReplyDeleteThis story was great from the first sentence. I think if it was longer it wouldve had a better plot. But altogether it was a great piece.
ReplyDeleteI loved this story! It reminded me a lot of my fanfiction stories just like Lauren said. I love the characters and how easy it is to relate to them although we may not all be going through that degree of hardships. Everything was well written and I wish that there was more to read! Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteWow! Very well written. It was almost as if I was watching a movie. Great description/imagery throughout this piece. This reminds me of a song from one of my favorite music groups. (Tokio Hotel- Don't Jump) Great job!
ReplyDelete- Hannah Mueller (12) ; period 5
It leaves me thinking about what happened next. Does she end up in foster care? Do Blake and Thalia end up together? Will she end up succeeding in life? If this was an excerpt from a novel, I'd read the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteI love the story I wish it could of kept on going I got so into it this would be perfect for a book.
ReplyDeleteOh no! I hate reading potential suicide stories! They always make me so sad because its the representation of emotions all people feel at some point. Thalia was backed against a wall by everything wrong in her life and didn't know where to turn:( I'm glad she had someone to support her through it because so many people just don't.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. Reading about suicide stories give me the chills. It was really sadening that Thalia was going through such a turbulent time of her life. The author really created a tone of despare but also a sense of hope and assurance that someone actually cared for her. This was a very good and thought out story. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI was really pulled into this story from just the first line and I really wish that this was longer! This was so beautifully written and everything just flowed and sounded so natural, this seems like a snippet of a book from a best seller list or something! I loved how the readers could totally get a feel of the personalities of the characters just from the dialogue, and I feel like everyone can relate to this piece and apply it to themselves, to their own Blakes and Thalias. Also I really "ship" them two now! :D
ReplyDeleteI was really pulled into this story from just the first line and I really wish that this was longer! This was so beautifully written and everything just flowed and sounded so natural, this seems like a snippet of a book from a best seller list or something! I loved how the readers could totally get a feel of the personalities of the characters just from the dialogue, and I feel like everyone can relate to this piece and apply it to themselves, to their own Blakes and Thalias. Also I really "ship" them two now! :D
ReplyDeleteAkelah, your story was one of those stories that reminded me that there are many people around the world who face hardships everyday. The imagery displayed in this story was very well done and I felt like I was actually watching a film. This story was very touching and I kind of got a little emotional. I usually do not get emotional, but this story really got me. This story was well done!
ReplyDeleteSo when I started reading this, I thought it was some romance fan fiction and I got really flustered and excited because I'm a ridiculous girl. But, I felt the connection even stronger in this story with Blake being the best friend. I thought their connection was very real and the fact that they can communicate on a different level was very heartwarming. Although I felt really bad for Thalia, I loved this story. I'm really glad she had a support system to help her out!
ReplyDeleteWow!I really love this story! Good job.
ReplyDeleteThat was amazing; I can't believe you were able to provide such an insightful glimpse into the characters' lives with so few words. You did an excellent job at conveying the internal struggle of Thalia. The story was so riddled with emotion that I felt like crying along with her as she recounted her troubled past. If this was a book, I would buy it in an instant!
ReplyDelete-Christina Tapia
This has a lot of meaning to it as well as feeling. It shows a lot about how a person can affect another. I like the description in the beginning because it shows a lot of imagery of what a person can have. Really nice ending and good flow.
ReplyDeleteThat was amazing. I love reading these kinds of story that have so much emotion in them even though there are so few words. I think a lot of people are able to relate this to their own lives and be able to think about who is there for them like Blake is there for Thalia. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis was so well thought! I loved it! The friend, Blake, was so willing to help! I loved the addition of his fear of heights at the end.
ReplyDelete-Quade Ferguson
I was really pulled by this story, I wish it was longer, but all those emotions were talked about in just a few words, that is awesome. I thought it would be a suicide story but at the end it really wasn't and it showed how there are people out there that need you in the world. It was a great story.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your different take on a scene that has been retold many times. The simple fact that the protagonists were signing makes the scene completely original. I can not imagine what it would be like to see this because usually these exchanges create a big ruckus, but this one was silent. This story emphasizes that no matter what, humans do need each other and that no matter what, communication will never stop, simply because humans require it. A simple glance, smile, or wink carries with it a ton of meaning.
ReplyDeleteI want more! Truly amazing work Akelah! You have an amazing gift for making characters come to life! They are anything but static and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
ReplyDeleteI loved everything about your story. The beginning was suspenseful and automatically had me on the edge of my seat wondering what will happen to Thalia. I love how it captures the daily struggles some teenagers have to go through in life. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love that your wrote about someone going through hard times because this story can be relatable to anyone in general. The use of imagery made the reader feel as through they were right on the ledge with the girl and how you maintained the readers attention by building up suspense. Overall it had me at the edge of my seat! Amazing job.
ReplyDeleteAkelah, the emotion in your story really brings life to the characters. Many people can relate to your story because in order to get through hard things in life we need friends to support us.
ReplyDeleteSabrina R. Per.5
I can honestly say I really enjoyed the plot line of this "short story." Usually some pieces are so filled with drama that it is quite illogical, but I loved what you did with this piece! I think it's so relevant to multiple audiences...I know I could relate every now and then.
ReplyDeleteI also found it interesting how quickly the mood changed, but it flowed well. I love the message of the story, and the detail of the pair being mute/deaf.
Wish you could write some more! You're very talented in writing! (:
I admit, I had potential tears in my eyes when reading this. I feel as if because this emotional experience Blake and Thalia went through was in sign language, it made the situation twice as meaningful. I can only imagine the powerful, jerking yet smooth hand gestures they both were making towards each other about Thalia's unfortunate past life and how much Blake would miss her. What pulled my heart strings the hardest was the sentence: "Throughout his silent speech spoken with only hand motions, he placed himself between her and the ledge." This mental image alone portrays just how much Blake has effected Thalia's life.
ReplyDeleteI really loved this piece. I felt so much emotion, almost as if I was with Thalia and felt her pain. The connection between Blake and Thalia was so real and natural. From your title, I thought the story was going to be based off of the song "How to save a life" by the Fray, which is a very sad song that doesn't end too well. But your story had an ending that was uplifting and hopeful. Great work!
ReplyDeleteAkelah, you know I love the way you write. I got to beta this story, but now I'm reviewing the finished product, and it is absolutely amazing. I have to say, I'm a sucker for the romance in it, but I don't think that you could have made me feel so excited about that if the characters weren't so well-written. Even if this story really only operates on a literal level, you don't need that extra layer of meaning. It's all in the writing. Through it is only a short story, you managed to make me interested in the characters. You can tell that these characters not only have a history, but a future together, and I believe that is one of the keys to great characters. The plotlines feel relevant to the struggles that we as teenagers face, the sentences were dynamic and not repetitive, and everything was paced extremely well. I can't wait to try my hand at illustrating this. Wonderful work.
ReplyDeleteI have read this story twice and I have gotten the chills both times. The frantic tone and dark and foreboding setting made the beginning so intense I was right there with Blake and getting scared she was actually going to go through with her plan. The piece was a great story and I wish there was more. The diction you chose for the dialogue made it seem like a movie because you wrote as if the characters were speaking to you and I think anyone who reads this poem would feel like the characters in the story were standing right in front of them. The story brings to light the sad reality that there are people who can relate to Thalia or have been in her position and the same goes for Blake so i really admire your ability to write about this topic without making it seem like too much of a story so it kept the seriousness of its topic. I also really want to tell you I really liked Blake's role in the story, he makes the ending so optimistic and lifts the readers spirits a little, even in the short piece the reader can totally feel the strength Blake had and how much he cares for his best friend. Very moving, great job!
ReplyDeletethis piece really connected with me that no matter how bad thing get you just have to keep going, you are never truly alone, people always care. the imagery in the first little section was very effective in letting your readers get sucked into the story then to find out that she is deaf by Blake talking to her in sign language, it was very compelling and quite the joy to read.
ReplyDeleteThis piece, although short (as it should be), manages to bring out quite a few emotions from the reader, without it being too overwhelming. I think it does a great job connecting with the audience and addresses a problem we've all seen in modern day society. Your diction was also great, as you used many descriptions to create the scene. The fact that Thalia is deaf adds a unique twist to the story as well, as we are able to experience this situation from a different perspective.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job portraying unspoken real life emotions. I wish I could read more!
ReplyDeleteThat was amazing. I had a similar experience when I almost lost my close friend and reading this story just reminded me of her and how I helped her realize that many people truly love her and how she impacts us all one way or another. This story literally drew me into tears because of how supportive Blake is and telling her that she has a purpose in this world.
ReplyDelete-Jonathan M
This is such an beautiful story! I cant believe how fascinated I was after reading just a few lines of it! I love that you made this story extremely genuine by introducing such a unique character like Thalia who struggles with such a hardship like deafness yet extremely relatable to the youth of our generation, who day by day face all kinds of stresses similar to Thalia's or even worse.I also loved that your story made me realize how important it is to be devoted to building and maintaining my friendships through the way you presented Thalia and Blake's friendship, so exemplary and strong. Great job!:D
ReplyDeleteAkelah! You did a great job! I was so touched with this story. It truly captures the audience's attention, especially because I know we all know someone who may be struggling like Thalia's struggles. We also have that best friend who will be with us through it all, and "Blake" just completes this heartwarming, genuine, well-written story! Although, I do agree that this was too short! You ended with me wanting to read more...which evidently means you did awesome! :)
ReplyDelete- Michelle Millan
AWH! I loved the story ! The main reason why I loved it so much is because of the strong connection you have created between Thalia and Blake. Also, the way you displayed Thalia's problems was done in such a graceful manner that provided pathos, where I wasn't too overwhelmed and I was able to feel the everything she was feeling.
ReplyDeleteI really love this short story because I feel so connected to the characters even though I know almost nothing about them. I also like how you wrote about a very current issue that I think many people may be able to relate to and feel for either character. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWow! This story really played with my emotions. I loved the fact that through your writing you were able to draw me in as if i were there watching this play out of the roof along with her. The twist of the character's speaking in sign made the silence so powerful and strong as the words were being yell at the top of their lungs. I very much enjoyed this story,
ReplyDelete-Alexis Santiago
What an emotional story! Very well written, it held my attention from start to finish... The world needs more people like Blake.
ReplyDeleteThe story was very touching, and the use of imagery helped to create a picture, instead of just being words it became a scene. I could see the characters, and the description used allowed me to feel like I was on the roof with the main characters.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading such a short story, I feel as if I know the characters on a slightly personal level, is that weird...? Just based on a lot of things you incorporated into the story, tells the reader a lot about the characters. The repetition of "sign" obviously tells the reader that Thalia is mute. The utilization of many exclamation points conveys to the audience the tone and the mood and the feelings of the characters. Also, the way that Blake and Thalia react to each other shows the great and unbreakable connection between the two, telling the reader that the two have a very strong relationship.
ReplyDeleteI SHIP BLAKE AND THALIA.
ReplyDeleteI love how dramatic this piece was.
Blake's reply made me tear up because of how true his words were. This definitely has a wonderful message on how people care for others without that other person knowing, and that even though there are downs in life, there will always be ups. This piece inspires people to believe that there is hope waiting on the other side instead of moping on the pile of sadness resting before them.
The reassurance in the final paragraph left me on a good note and made me happy that they left with smiles on their faces.
You did such an amazing job at using imagery and descriptive language in the first few paragraphs to make me feel as if I were a part of the story myself! The dialogue you used was perfect; it brought your characters to life. You were able to include such an impactful message into the poem while still making it interesting to reat. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! There was so much drama in this piece! I love it! Everything happened so quickly that in a way reminded me of how much time it can take to save a life. If Blake came a few minutes or seconds late, then maybe Thalia would've went for it. I completely adore your writing style and how you are able to captivate your readers into the emotions shared in the scene. I liked the part where you made Thalia not being able to hear a word from Blake. It added to the idea that she was only listening to thoughts in her head, and they blocked her from hearing any external sounds and voices. It's similar to when suicidal people are unable to listen to other people and end up going for it. Overall, I enjoyed your story, and I'm glad that Thalia didn't die.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good story that I think that everyone can relate to because I think everybody has that moment in their life where they just give up, but then there is always that one person, who is always there for you and gives you hope. Really goo story!
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you made the characters have their connection.In the story you can tell that they are really best friends and have a past together because of how they talked to each other.Good story i liked it.
ReplyDelete-Chelsea Gonzales
I enjoyed the use of imagery throughout this whole story. The use was effective because it grabbed my attention from the start and I never got bored with it. This is definitely a story that I would want to keep reading. I also enjoyed your use of humor in the end to wrap it up when you say how Blake is afraid of heights.
ReplyDelete-Trevor Ragland
I liked how the essay ended, really good.
ReplyDelete-Justin Hoffman
I love the way the characters feel so human, like somebody you know. I also like how you chose me to proofread it. Sorry if I was too harsh
ReplyDelete-Kevin McCondichie
The imagery prevalent throughout really grabbed my attention. The fact she was deaf, and even her bestfriend forgot in his fit of worried anger was a really nice touch that felt real.
ReplyDeleteI love this story, I can easily see this being expanded into a full on book. I fell in love with the characters instantly through the solid emotions that poured from the characters. I felt that these characters we so easily relatable to teenage students as we all have that friend who pulls us out of the hard times we face and I loved having that connection with the characters. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery that you utilized in this composition set me in Thalia's feet directly. I am moved by the message that you have conveyed in such little words. The emphasis in friendship and the individual’s hardship allows others to relate to the situation, whether it be taking your own life or just suffering from a few bumps in the road. I would like to thank you for choosing such an inspirational topic to write about, despite the intensity of it, because it reassures others that there is still hope in the world although it may not seem like so in times of hardship. This story was amazing.
ReplyDeleteI really liked that you made Thalia deaf and gave Blake a fear of heights. It shows that everyone, even someone who can't speak, needs someone who is there for them and listens, not just to what they say, but also to what they feel. Thalia has a loving friend that "listens" to her and who's fear of heights vanishes when his friend is in danger. Those details made a good plot even more powerful and emotional. Good job Akelah.
ReplyDelete- Oscar Salazar
Have you ever heard of Wattpad? If not, you should check it out. It's this website where you can post your own stories for the world to see. I'd really like to see a longer version of this story. In just those few paragraphs, I felt for Thalia. The way you described her, the fact that she was ready to kill herself, and her friendship with Blake really makes me want to know more about her backstory. If you haven't already, you should really consider making a longer version of this. Great job.
ReplyDeleteits really felt as if i were a character-jakob cadena
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love your written piece, Akelah! :) Your Flash Fiction is beautiful. I admire the friendship that you conveyed throughout the story. Blake was a true friend to Thalia. Everyone needs an encouraging friend like Blake. Teen suicides are becoming more prevalent here in the United States, and together we all need to battle against suicide by being a positive light to others. Thank you for teaching us all an important lesson!
ReplyDeleteWow! I'm thoroughly amazed at how you managed to successfully write a story with so much going on with so little words! Your specific choice of words helped me visualize everything that was going on. The suspense you built up was incredible! I was literally reading this and thinking to myself, "No! Don't do it!" Wonderful job!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, this was really well-written! Even though it was a fairly short story, I feel like there was enough emotion to give a glimpse of the characters and their personalities. It was also a unique topic to write about. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. :)
ReplyDeleteI have never come across a story where the characters use sign language. That was an extremely unique element that you implemented into this piece. The beginning has a very dark and desperate tone, and then the end is so comforting. Well done
ReplyDeleteYou created these characters with a backstory that goes far beyond the confines of this one event in your story, and the way you make that so vividly clear to the reader is a beautiful skill. It was very interesting how you brought to life a hearing-impaired protagonist, which is extremely creative and not an easy task to accomplish. I loved this story from start to finish and I really wish it extended into a full-length novel because you are a beautiful writer and based on this piece, I'm certain that your ideas can reach new and innovative lengths. Mad props, Akelah.
ReplyDelete-Chelsea Martinez
I really liked this story a lot, Akelah! It reminds me that no matter the hardships I encounter, I'll never have to face them alone and that help is always available to me. I also see this relating to many teenagers because as teenagers, we tend to over-exaggerate and think everything is the end of the world, when really there is more to life that we will only learn about if we stick around and experience it. I could see this becoming a novel in the near future. Keep up the good work, Akelah!
ReplyDelete-Melissa Nollora
Really Great work made it so intresting with the drama it really was a great paper written
ReplyDeleteAw I really loved this story! It's amazing that it shows the friendship between a girl and a boy(: he loves her that he tells her how much she has meaning in this world. I thought it was very sweet and it was really good! great story
ReplyDeleteThis story is relatable on so many levels and to virtually anyone who have been suicidal, or known someone who has. Many people feel alone in life but they don't rationalize their thoughts. I like the point you made on this and everyone is loved by someone. Life is to precious to lose because once you lose it, it's gone. Rise above the influence was a theme I believed and the sense of imagery was felt. I was able to picture a very dark, gloomy, and grimy atmosphere while Thalia looked down on busy city where people were just trying to get home to their family. A very emotional story that anybody could take lessons on and make sure you live life.
ReplyDeleteThat's was a great story . Blake is definitely a good friend. He's the kind of person who will do anything to help some one like Thalia. Its very touching and a heart lifting story, especially because kids and others of today are in situations like this. Wonderful story :)) And cute ending. -Funmi Sule
ReplyDelete"To Save A Life" poses the ultimate question: "What makes life worth living?" In a short amount of words your story managed convey Thalia's pain, allowing readers to emphasize while providing a message of hope. You also handled such a heavy topic with the grace and finesse of a mature author.
ReplyDeleteEmily Wilt per 1
This piece is very touching and emotion. Theres a lot to look forward to when reading this. You always want to know what would happen next. Great story because it shows a lot between the relationship and thats most common in modern society. Good job!
ReplyDeletedang akelah :D you're famous!
ReplyDeletedang girl! you're famous ahahahaha
ReplyDelete